how do you measure liking? >.<
he came back yesterday and i'm not sure if i'm together with the right guy.

sometimes i feel d es is more like just a friend to me than anything else :(

but no matter what... things are NOT gonna happen with his best friend. too late. so i guess i just gotta suck it up and see if my feelings change for the better.

i sound like such a slut. but. the truth is... i really liked his best friend first. d es was just a friend to me all the way. until his best friend went overseas for 6 months. then, i started to fall for d es. and now, his best friend is back. haiyoo!! is it possible to like two guys at the same time?


arghh so angry... tell him i so bored already he still watching his war shows. RAH. now don't even feel like talking to him on the phone.


sweetest words from him.

"...i understand that sometimes you'll need another girl to understand. that day abt the ring, it came as a surprise to me also that you'd show hints of such feelings... but i know its because you really care about this relationship. and i do too, so i'm not immune to jealousy... so i've discovered. my ex doesn't mean anything to me anymore and its in the distant history for me. heh... sorry i still have my ah beng accessories...

i know with all my heart that God has brought you and me together. and in a very magically perfect way for me... dunno if you know that. and so i know, the only one between you and me is Him..nothing nor nobody else~"


although i don't have the same experience he has, i'm gonna trust what he says until God himself tells me personally. and i guess it's true. i can be his first girlfriend, but without heavenly affirmation, he wouldn't love me as much as he does now. and it's so reassuring to hear him say "darling, you're not psycho, you just love me too much.." i was really moved to tears at his giant capacity for understanding.


bellespoir; joy says:
HAHHAHA
did he do anything that made u worried?
u can't naturally be worried like that right?
unless u were hurt before some how
sea-glass; says:
no leh never.. he has been very good to me..
and i'm normally not like this
i swear.. u also know me right.. from what i said abt my ex
i guess.. i just feel like he had a very strong bond with his ex
ezp since they broke up and patched back tgt again after so long..
and had such intimacies
and he thought she was the one..
bellespoir; joy says:
hmmmm
sea-glass; says:
which makes me feel..
bellespoir; joy says:
but if it's any consolation to u
sea-glass; says:
i duno..
bellespoir; joy says:
whenver i talked to him about her
i got the feeling that he was v sure it was over
like just over and done with forever
so.
u shouldn't worry
and! have some confidence in urself! he chose u
sea-glass; says:
haha okok, thanks.. it is very much of consolation to me
i feel so much better after hearing htat
bellespoir; joy says:
yup! don't worry. haha
he was the one who broke up with her after all
not the other way around
so
he made a decision right
to leave
so there must hae been good reason for that
and they haven't really been in contact if i'm not wrong
or at least he didn't seem like he wanted to be in contact with her
sea-glass; says:
yea.. that's true
damn i need to save this conversation and re-read these lines whenever i feel the niggling feeling again..


haha i'm so happy with d es :) even when i've been seeing him everyday, i still feel excited to see him each new time


tonight we talked about his ex. hmm. all was okay until he said it was a wrong move when they started with serious intimacies, because it felt wrong when they were still having all those fights. but in those initial few months, he really thought she was the one. and it was a wrong move, because it was his plan to have only one girl in his life.

and g abriel and k aijin knew what happened all the way. and they were supporting him all along while his life was a mess and persuading him to walk away. hmm. it's so weird. haha. i wonder what they say about me now. for one, i know i have k aijin's approval haha.

i knew all along that i wasn't his first one. but somehow yesterday it really sunk in when i heard the regret in his voice. "only one girl in his life...i thought she was the one" - these were the words which struck at my heart and caused a lump in my throat. in the car i pretended to sleep because the words were ringing in my head, i was thinking and didn't want to talk. i was feeling abit angry, but more sad than angry. and at night i started to cry, but i don't know whether i was crying for me, or for him.

in any case, what's done cannot be undone. and now, at least i know for sure how much he means to me for me to be so selfish and want him for myself only. i hope i can get over it and live with it. in the meantime, i pray.


“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy, age 4


Dezz says:
yeah...the reason why i prepared the stuff and made a diff version with canned mushrooms
but lund was pretty easy i think...
as in...to bring in someone else into the picture so it didn't seem like i was doing anything specially just for you
sea-glass; says:
haha yea.. that's why i didnt suspect anything
but u never did anything for so long....
(i dun mean it in a complaining way)
more like.. ur endurance level is like, power
haha
and acted for so long
haha
Dezz says:
actually for most of the time...i was just contend to see you happy
not the kind where i wanted you for myself...cos i felt i wasn't ready to make someone else happy
so i just tried to do small things here and there...and if you had found someone else...i might be happy...
hahaha
plus you had sth else going on in lund...so it was even easier to stay under the radar..heh
Dezz says:
one of the lies i had to tell so many times...
that i had no interest in you
although there was one night i almost said too much...haha
the night of shoot shag marry

-----------------------------------------

Dezz says:
cos you fell asleep on me...then i was suddenly quite awake
so my brain was trying to process
sea-glass; says:
lol.. were you aslp too?
Dezz says:
whether i got it right
i was awake for quite a bit that night actually
a part of me was scared you might just wake up and return to your bed
then i would have just totally died