the whole world looks different when you are whizzing by at the back of a motorbike.

i think my heart has a life of its own.

he kinda signalled his intentions to chase me and asked if i already have a bf. in my reply, i had typed and re-typed, preparing an entire message to explain how i am extremely uncertain on how things will work out between us, because we are so different. but how i am unwilling to just let it go because i really do enjoy his company - he makes me laugh so much and makes my breath get caught in my throat. but in the end, i deleted it all away and just replied his question with a one-liner.

so now i'm grappling with the question of what i want to choose with my life. and are we really fundamentally different. is it enough that we get along?

i spoke to d odo and m ei, and they adamantly believed that this was just infatuation and that i should just stick to d es. sigh. i really don't know. sometimes i feel like we are worlds apart, but sometimes i feel like his placement in my life was so abrupt and yet, at the right time, that God must have a reason for doing so.

i was telling them, he seems like everything i want on the surface, but inside he's not. whereas, d es seems the least my type on the surface, but inside, we're similar in so many ways.

but, i don't laugh as much or feel as light-headed with d es. with d es, i'm just very much myself, just comfortable. i can say anything i want, do anything i want - he already knows me, almost to the core. but sometimes we just sit in silence and have nothing to talk about. whether it's because we hang out with each other too much - i have no idea. but comfort isn't necessary a bad thing.

with c harles, i am a different self. and maybe that's the only reason why he enjoys my company. the truth is, i really don't know why. we are so. freaking. different. and we just met. partly the reason why i like him is cos, as i very candidly told d odo, he is seriously the cutest hottest guy who ever chased me. HAHA. (okay maybe t olde is cuter but still! haha) it's so superficial but i mean, omg. even m anda's jaws dropped when she saw his photos. like you know, too good to be true, how can i just throw it away right? (DON'T JUDGE ME, all of you will think like that if you were me too!) and of course, that's not the only reason. we connect too somehow, in a different way. sigh.

i don't know if i like him for the thrill of experiencing something new. the same reason i love living overseas, the freedom i free when navigating a foreign land alone. i just love it when i sling on the motorbike helmet like an old pro and it actually feels familiar to me. when i'm sitting on the bike, not holding on to anything like i've done it a million times before. when i'm whizzing past the cars, turning my head to look at them. when i get so close to everything i could just reach out my hands to touch them. for the strangest reason, when i'm on the bike, i feel like a delinquent (which i never ever was), and i feel like i've made it in life, experiencing even that. so, for that reason, i'm really apprehensive about what my true feelings are towards him. tonight when i was on the bike, a thought just came into my head: we're both christians, but when we're together, i think we'll pull each other to hell with all that temptation.

so, it can't be right, right? :(

and then i was telling d odo that come on, d es and i don't even have anything going on cos' he's not looking for anything, but she said all good things are worth the wait. sighhh. i don't know man. it's like career searching. sometimes you wait wait and wait, reject all the other good offers just because you are trying to secure the interview of your dream job. and after the interview, you don't even get the job.

but, if i had a chance with both of them, d es would be all right right right, i'd get together with him, we have so many common friends we would have so much fun hanging out, i already know and trust him so well so we wouldn't have any problems, my parents would love him, we'd get married when the time is right and have kids and be really romantic even till we're old. c harles, on the other hand, would be all wrong wrong wrong. we'd spend the nights chasing adventures, whizzing through desolated streets. we'd go to church together, but it'll only be us. he'll be always wanting to skate, kayak, run, play volleyball and do all kinds of sports, whereas i only want to chill and talk. my parents would be totally against him for his bike and for him wanting to bring me to malaysia after midnight for supper. there'd be incidents happening in his family which i'd probably be involved in. he'll probably wanna get married way before i'm ready, and that'd be another problem. and then after marriage i'd hafta support his siblings education yada yada and i don't know what else cos' i don't know him well enough.


hello myself

pastor said it so beautifully today. wait and be patient for your life partner, and God will show you one in due time. for He looks ahead into the future and knows how your preferences change over time, He wants the best for you, and He will send one your way that is above and exceeding all that you asked for. in due time.

just like how God delivered me my dream job in such a timely manner. i believe He will do the same for the other aspects of my life too. thank you Jesus for loving us :)

i feel so happy, blessed and at peace now. i see no need to be emo anymore, nor to pine for a particular someone. cos' i'm sure as God is guiding me what to do, He is guiding my future life partner too. and if D is not the one for me, and he's slow to make a move because he's not very sure himself, then noooo, i don't want him to make a move.

now i kinda wish i wasn't going to vietnam with D anymore. it might just knock me off this contented emotional equilibrium. but He will be my strength and wisdom. and i'm not gonna try so hard and rack my brains over how to ensure i-show-D-i-like-him-but-at-the-same-time-not-appear-too-obvious. i'm gonna go back to my old self. and if anything happens, it should happen easily, happily, like a breeze on a warm summer day. i'm going to rest in faith. :)


jag känner mig så dum att bry sig så mycket när man inte gör det. inte ens ett SMS för att önska mig lycka till....


the probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. the lure of it is immense. we send starships. we fall in love.

i am becoming such a stalkerish person i am freaking myself out. sigh. he went out today with two of his ex-colleagues, one of them whom i'm sure likes him. and you know, he's nice to every every one. so i don't know.

haiyo i am thinking too much right? even if he doesn't like her, what chance is there for me if he's not even looking.

i used to be a completely different person around him. used to be really myself. who dared to go out and do things, because i just didn't care. and really in lund, he's one of my only 2/3 friends who's seen a side of me that i'd be so embarassed to be reminded of. yep under intoxication. haha. still he really honestly said that i was what he was looking for in a wife. well, not specifically me, but someone like me.

and i'm so afraid that jealousy and possessiveness and worry will warp me entirely, till i turn into a completely different person and then i'll lose him altogether.

and it's so weird. i don't even like him like how i liked ***** or ******. the way i liked them, was really. overwhelming. with all my life and heart. it consumed me every second of the day, every thought and emotion. that was when i was young, i suppose. now, i've learnt to guard my heart more carefully. i still feel it, pangs and tinges, and emo-ness creeping in at times (like now), and it's still a rollercoaster ride, but, one that's more muted. like, instead of a really scary three-hundred-and-sixty-degrees triple loop coaster, it's a milder version.

sigh. why must he have so many good girl friends? why am i think so much? :(

i need to put things into perspective. i really wanna see him like how i did in the past - when i used to not care so much, and i'm trying hard not to overstep my boundaries into his space because i know he needs it. but it's so hard. is facebook-stalking bad for me? i suppose so right? cos' it lets me know whatever he's doing or saying everyday, and it just preoccupies me. maybe the first step is not to facebook-stalk anymore. haha. that removes a daily pleasure for me though. (now i really sound stalkerish). but i really enjoy ending my day, after my bath and just before bed, logging onto facebook to see how he's doing. BUT I SHOULD STOP RIGHT?

here's my plan:
step 1) stop stalking his profile. check it only like once every 3 days.

oh crap. i can't think of anything else. it's funny how i've come to this level huh? but i really cannot go any further. especially when he's indicated that he's not looking for a relationship especially when he hasn't found a job yet. must protect my heart yo.

oh okay i thought of step 2
step 2) hang out with other guys so that you won't be so preoccupied with him only.

yeayy this looks like a plan. okay that's all for now i guess, i got exam tmr! wish me luck!


8.09pm: somewhere along the way, i just let go. it's weird, that as time goes by, i let go faster, easier. i'm tired of holding on. or maybe it just means that i've learnt to recognise signs of what's worth holding on to, and what's not.

8.11pm: it was so weird. i actually thought to myself, i can't wait for ***** to come back. cos' even if i like him and get hurt all over again, it's a hurt i'm familiar with. a hurt i have dealt with for 2 years (and since recovered from). so, a familiar hurt must be better than an unfamiliar one right? at least, you know how it feels like, when it's going to end.

12.12am: i think i have all this pent-up energy and frustration inside me cos' i'm holding on too tightly to nothing. just made-up expectations in my head. gotta gotta breathe and let go. girls really read too much into things, no? sigh. i was so proud of myself last year that i managed not to like him for ONE WHOLE YEAR. cos' i saw him as more like a girl pal than a guy. ahh then now... this. zzz. oh well, i guess later is better than sooner. or not. because then there comes this question

have i lost you, flightless bird

when will i ever learn to just let go and let God. i must. or else, i will just be spiralling into a crazy web of imagined possibilities and eventually, drown in my own thoughts.


so good at giving advice to others. so bad at following my own.


because i have too high expectations. who do i treat him as, my bf? yeahh. i have no right to tell him where he can or cannot go, nor should i be the first person who comes to his mind. i'm just disappointed that he. didn't. ask. me. first. when i was the one who asked him.

and yeah, thanks for inviting me when two of you have already firmed up the plans. tell me, how am i supposed to go if it's a 2 for 1 friggin promotion?!!! who will be the 4th person, huh!

because of you (and my own angsty heart), i cannot prepare for my interview tmr properly. and u totally crashed my already draining day, and i foresee myself to be reduced to tears in a few more minutes. if i can even muster the strength. actually, i think i might just crumble into bed and fall asleep.

i wish i could just throw my heart out of the window. it brings me too much pain and too little joy.


erh. you two suck. both of you. go go go go to santorini and have fun and leave me stuck here. THANKS. BOO :( and i was the one who told you of the lobang. RAH.


and i'm really, tired, of making the same mistakes. over and over again.

my heart tears apart in the exact same way each time.


will it really work if i keep re-reading our msn convos, to remind myself how things were, how they are supposed to be?

i miss those times when i really couldn't be bothered. haha. where i dished out words and lines effortlessly, when his words didn't mean more than anyone else's and i was just myself - free, happy and carefree around him. i remember thinking in lund, "i will never ever fall for this guy". seriously, i thought that so often. i had no trace of feelings towards him at all and was even disgusted when he was too nice to me. i didn't even see him as a guy when i came back. more like, hmm, this sissy friend?

ho ho. look how the cards have turned and he has all the power over me. it's funny huh? i used to discuss with h azel all the time why on earth will girls like him and omg i'm in the middle of it all. got so many girls liking him omgggg. why why. he very nice meh. i must be crazy. snap outta it you crazy girl. gobackgobackgoback find a new muse or whatever. just, escape, be anywhere else, but here.

there are some things which i can be so fearless about, but when it comes to matters of the heart, i retreat at the first opportunity. :(


XXXX XXX XXXX CAN YOU PLEASE DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND STICK WITH IT. LOSER. TSK.