Okay, while I'm still in a rather emo mood, I shall blog something here in case I forget in the future.

I miss this old friend back in the USA. His name is Justin Young and he's from Memphis. He is really a very very nice guy. I can remember his eyes most - somehow they just strike me as honest eyes, if there's such a thing. He's very understanding and patient, genuinely eager to learn about us and he likes to talk to us about God. I don't know, there's just such a special quality about him - like he's the epitome of goodness without being overbearingly saintly or strange. We saw him get angry once so we know he's not perfect. He invited us to all his outings - church, to hike, to shop, the pool party, to Universal Studios, to the wacky prom. I just regret being so prickly towards him. Because he didn't know that Singapore is very much like America, so when he asks questions like whether we've heard a particular pop song before, I get very defensive and say stuff like "Of course" in a more insulted way than I mean to sound. Yeah. Random memories because I was looking through my old emails and happened to chance upon his email to me.


These few days have just been very dull for me. Because I'm numbing every single feeling (involuntarily), the day just passes by in a monotone. I hate this feeling. I feel empty, and restless. I don't feel very alive.

He was treating me quite coldly the past few days, so much so that I began to think that somehow my secret leaked out and he knew, so he was trying to avoid me. I felt relieved, in a way, and thankful.

But yesterday, he suddenly asked me to watch Harry Potter with him. How could I refuse?

This time round, I didn't feel the euphoria of what I felt the last time. I didn't feel anything, in the daytime. Towards the end of work I began to feel a little bit excited, but that was only because I was going out after work.

Met him at the train station at six. We went to have Thai Express, then walked around abit, then went to play basketball at the arcade. The movie was ten so we had seriously a lot of time to spare. We sat in the theatre half an hour early because we were bored of walking around (Tiong Bahru has really limited shops) and then just talked there.

We were talking about her, as usual. I could tell that he's really crazy over her because he was linking her to almost everything we said. Furthermore, his eyes really lit up whenever we spoke about her. Of course he was mainly the one talking but I was just listening, encouraging him because he felt he had no hope already.

She is one effing lucky girl.

Anyway, I did enjoy myself... but always with a sad feeling nagging within me. It can never be the same again. The very moment I met him at the train station, I was preoccupied with remembering every single detail and second, because this might be the last time. When I was seated next to him in the cinema, I didn't dare to look, just stared straight ahead in my seat while he played on his iPhone. I really treasure these quiet moments which are so hard to get. Of course, as she was on his mind all the time, the sad fact was on my mind all the time too. The truth that will always be there.

Didn't you say you only needed someone who could understand you? So what's the point of telling me that I'm the only one who understands you. Do you think it makes me happy to hear that.