Mom's birthday today.

I totally forgot. Upon coming home, I saw my dad eagerly asking me if I had wrapping paper. I gave it to him, and went to bathe. When I came out, I saw him meticulously wrapping a little box, even making paper ribbons and putting it on top. I asked who the present was for. He told me, for Mommy, I forgot? It was strange that I forgot, even he commented so. Usually I'm the one who remembers all the birthdays in the house, even my maid's birthday, when she was still here. And I'd be the one making sure everyone had a present and every occasion gets celebrated. If not, it would be like any other day, all of us just sitting in front of our own computers, minding our own business.

It's been a long time since I've seen my dad taking the initiative to celebrate my mom's birthday. He purposely sent my mom to Orchard shopping so he could go and get her present, the mp3 she always wanted. Then when I came home, he asked me to accompany him to buy her a cake. And he chose durian cake because durians are her favourite fruit. I was quite touched by his gestures, it's really something special he's doing this year.

But when my mom came back, she was in quite a bad mood. My dad was so eager and happy to get out the cake and light the candles, he really looked like a child wanting to surprise her. But all my mom said was, "You all bought cake? Go eat first la... I don't want any." I was so angry when I heard it... I had to stop myself from crying. I don't know why I felt so hurt hearing that, maybe after seeing all the effort I'd seen my dad put in. I had to stop myself from like, telling her how could she be like that. She said she had a headache, but still. Gosh. I feel so sad for my dad. And... maybe because I feel sad because I forgot Father's Day yesterday too and I'm too shy to even tell him "Happy Belated Father's Day" today. Urgh. I don't know what I'm feeling at all. And I don't know the point of this post. Feels like a primary school kid writing.


I was skating at the runway. It was so beautiful, I felt like I was in Europe. The wind was cool, huge fields of green grass were by my side, and I couldn't see the end of the road. I was just speeding down, feeling the sunshine on my face and the wind on my cheeks. My heart was light, and just when I thought I'd finally let it go...

There he was, in the distance. So far away he was just a silhouette, yet I spotted him in the crowd. Everyone was going forward, so was I, but he was just standing there, gazing back at us, waiting.

That image... will really be embedded in my mind for a long long time to come.

Because I think that might be a picture of the times to come.

And it hurts to be reminded that he will still be there when I move forward. He's waiting for someone else and I'm merely a passerby in his life.

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.


The words from two days ago keep ringing in my head.

"You think I'm good enough to get any girl I want? Never. You think I can get you? No, I can't."

That's the hardest part, the part that replays in my mind over and over again.

What if, at that point, I told him the truth?


Right. So who I am kiddin'. The tears still come everyday, when I'm on the bus, when I'm listening to a song, when I'm lying on my bed trying to get to sleep. They catch me unaware, they come in such a sudden flash I can't even stop them.

It's painful when I have to hear him gush about her. Read and scruntinize the poems and their meanings, just to be told that everything is about her. What is this? Desensitivisation? Does this term ever exist when it comes to matters of the heart? Because every new arrow hurts as much as the first one.

I don't know. This is just all-too-familiar, it reminds me of the other time. And this new wound just caused the old one to re-open, so it feels like I'm suffering two instead of only one. I can't help thinking how hard I tried not to make the same mistakes, how I was bottling everything up, looking strong, how I manage to mould myself into someone whom I thought was more perfect. You know why she's lucky? She's lucky because she was born in the right year, she went to the right school, she met the right people, she was put on the right stage. She had the right hair, the right eyes, the right height, the right cuteness and wittiness. But she wasn't happy, she couldn't do her work right, she couldn't deal with people right. She was what I used to be like in the past. She was lucky because she won in spite of all this. And I lost, despite trying to do everything right this time round.

Having come this far as someone else, I just feel lost. The mould I have had been set so steadily that I can barely see my old self anymore. Who am I. Am I really fearless. Am I really kind. Am I really mature. I can't find myself anymore. The girl with bangs, the one who loved sunsets, vanilla ice-cream, who was afraid of the dark and ran away from flying insects, she could never eat a meal alone, she wore her heart on her sleeve, she was carefree - she lived, laughed, pouted and cried for all to see.

Somewhere along the way, she got lost.


Okay. So I've been coping with it much better than I expected to. Even Amanda is surprised. Because I act so happy and high around everyone.

Truth is, I try to overcompensate, in a way. That's why everyone's been mentioning I've been unusually high these days. But it is so tiring I feel giddy and feel like fainting sometimes. I've also been trying to block out my thoughts, that's why I picked up the guitar even though I hated it when I tried to learn it months ago. Afterall, the harder it is to learn, the more focused I'll have to be right? But strangely, for the most part, I feel quite at rest now. It just washed over me right after I told him I knew. It's so freakin weird that I don't feel sad anymore, judging by how affected I was by the same news in January. I'm sure someone higher, someone up there has a part in carrying me through.

And... even though I can't deny that it was a major crash for me because this was the only thing I prayed so hard for, He probably has some other plans for me. In consolation, at least the person involved regards me as a good friend now. Which is kind of baffling because it's like, since when did I become good friends with him? Haha. But he told me so many things and gave me his blog. That gesture really stunned and touched me at the same time. So much so that I opened the link but just froze there, not daring to read anything because it's so private, not knowing what to say in reply. Yeah. So now I'm his good friend but I don't know if he is my good friend yet. Because I'm naturally a very reserved person about my thoughts and feelings, and it would take a lot of trust for me to open up to anyone. But it doesn't matter, knowing me, I'd be more happy to be a person's good friend than for a person to be my good friend. HAHA. You'd get it if you knew the "love or be loved" question.

Can I be more selfish for my own good? Time for the superego to take a break and the id to come out to party. But nah... not before I've reduced the damage in the team.

On a random note, my right eye got red again! Argh. Annoying. Please please recover soon so I can wear contacts!


Blogs really have an uncanny way of getting uncovered by the very people whom you want to keep them from!

Aiyo so voyeuristic. Shall not go read them.

Sigh. The puddle is getting messier and messier. It sucks to know so much. Then you have to consider how you should act towards this person so he/she will not get hurt, or how you have to keep it from this person yadda yadda. It's tiring. And even worse when you mess up and end up hurting others because you can't tell them what you know. And then you mess it up even more when your heart turns soft and you tell them what you're not supposed to tell them.

I feel like a horrible person. Arghhh. Ignorance is really bliss.

And okay, this post is read-able. Even if anyone finds it accidentally. Shall not post any more too-personal posts anymore haha.

5-19 Jan. 1 Jun. Teardrops on my guitar.