SPARKLE. & FADE.

2011-06-26T02:52:00.002+08:00

how do you measure liking? >.<
he came back yesterday and i'm not sure if i'm together with the right guy.

sometimes i feel d es is more like just a friend to me than anything else :(

but no matter what... things are NOT gonna happen with his best friend. too late. so i guess i just gotta suck it up and see if my feelings change for the better.

i sound like such a slut. but. the truth is... i really liked his best friend first. d es was just a friend to me all the way. until his best friend went overseas for 6 months. then, i started to fall for d es. and now, his best friend is back. haiyoo!! is it possible to like two guys at the same time?

2011-06-20T15:52:00.001+08:00

arghh so angry... tell him i so bored already he still watching his war shows. RAH. now don't even feel like talking to him on the phone.

2011-06-19T01:22:00.005+08:00

sweetest words from him.

"...i understand that sometimes you'll need another girl to understand. that day abt the ring, it came as a surprise to me also that you'd show hints of such feelings... but i know its because you really care about this relationship. and i do too, so i'm not immune to jealousy... so i've discovered. my ex doesn't mean anything to me anymore and its in the distant history for me. heh... sorry i still have my ah beng accessories...

i know with all my heart that God has brought you and me together. and in a very magically perfect way for me... dunno if you know that. and so i know, the only one between you and me is Him..nothing nor nobody else~"

although i don't have the same experience he has, i'm gonna trust what he says until God himself tells me personally. and i guess it's true. i can be his first girlfriend, but without heavenly affirmation, he wouldn't love me as much as he does now. and it's so reassuring to hear him say "darling, you're not psycho, you just love me too much.." i was really moved to tears at his giant capacity for understanding.

2011-06-19T00:43:00.001+08:00

bellespoir; joy says:
HAHHAHA
did he do anything that made u worried?
u can't naturally be worried like that right?
unless u were hurt before some how
sea-glass; says:
no leh never.. he has been very good to me..
and i'm normally not like this
i swear.. u also know me right.. from what i said abt my ex
i guess.. i just feel like he had a very strong bond with his ex
ezp since they broke up and patched back tgt again after so long..
and had such intimacies
and he thought she was the one..
bellespoir; joy says:
hmmmm
sea-glass; says:
which makes me feel..
bellespoir; joy says:
but if it's any consolation to u
sea-glass; says:
i duno..
bellespoir; joy says:
whenver i talked to him about her
i got the feeling that he was v sure it was over
like just over and done with forever
so.
u shouldn't worry
and! have some confidence in urself! he chose u
sea-glass; says:
haha okok, thanks.. it is very much of consolation to me
i feel so much better after hearing htat
bellespoir; joy says:
yup! don't worry. haha
he was the one who broke up with her after all
not the other way around
so
he made a decision right
to leave
so there must hae been good reason for that
and they haven't really been in contact if i'm not wrong
or at least he didn't seem like he wanted to be in contact with her
sea-glass; says:
yea.. that's true
damn i need to save this conversation and re-read these lines whenever i feel the niggling feeling again..

2011-06-18T14:10:00.000+08:00

haha i'm so happy with d es :) even when i've been seeing him everyday, i still feel excited to see him each new time

2011-06-09T16:47:00.003+08:00

tonight we talked about his ex. hmm. all was okay until he said it was a wrong move when they started with serious intimacies, because it felt wrong when they were still having all those fights. but in those initial few months, he really thought she was the one. and it was a wrong move, because it was his plan to have only one girl in his life.

and g abriel and k aijin knew what happened all the way. and they were supporting him all along while his life was a mess and persuading him to walk away. hmm. it's so weird. haha. i wonder what they say about me now. for one, i know i have k aijin's approval haha.

i knew all along that i wasn't his first one. but somehow yesterday it really sunk in when i heard the regret in his voice. "only one girl in his life...i thought she was the one" - these were the words which struck at my heart and caused a lump in my throat. in the car i pretended to sleep because the words were ringing in my head, i was thinking and didn't want to talk. i was feeling abit angry, but more sad than angry. and at night i started to cry, but i don't know whether i was crying for me, or for him.

in any case, what's done cannot be undone. and now, at least i know for sure how much he means to me for me to be so selfish and want him for myself only. i hope i can get over it and live with it. in the meantime, i pray.

2011-06-09T11:23:00.000+08:00

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” – Billy, age 4

2011-06-05T00:41:00.006+08:00

Dezz says:
yeah...the reason why i prepared the stuff and made a diff version with canned mushrooms
but lund was pretty easy i think...
as in...to bring in someone else into the picture so it didn't seem like i was doing anything specially just for you
sea-glass; says:
haha yea.. that's why i didnt suspect anything
but u never did anything for so long....
(i dun mean it in a complaining way)
more like.. ur endurance level is like, power
haha
and acted for so long
haha
Dezz says:
actually for most of the time...i was just contend to see you happy
not the kind where i wanted you for myself...cos i felt i wasn't ready to make someone else happy
so i just tried to do small things here and there...and if you had found someone else...i might be happy...
hahaha
plus you had sth else going on in lund...so it was even easier to stay under the radar..heh
Dezz says:
one of the lies i had to tell so many times...
that i had no interest in you
although there was one night i almost said too much...haha
the night of shoot shag marry

-----------------------------------------

Dezz says:
cos you fell asleep on me...then i was suddenly quite awake
so my brain was trying to process
sea-glass; says:
lol.. were you aslp too?
Dezz says:
whether i got it right
i was awake for quite a bit that night actually
a part of me was scared you might just wake up and return to your bed
then i would have just totally died

2011-05-30T10:22:00.001+08:00

blehh

2011-05-29T21:15:00.003+08:00

ahh so sweet he thought of my injury when deciding where to go tmr though it's really no big deal :)

2011-05-29T20:49:00.002+08:00

never felt so right :)

so far so good. he was busier than me last week so i actually jumped at every opportunity to see him, jokingly complaining that he's too busy for me. this week he's been so sweet trying to make up for it... he wanted to ask me out after church today but i had dinner at home. then just now on msn he was "i know we're already meeting on tuesday and thurs....but you doing anything tml? =D" my heart just melted. it's a good sign right? haha. that i don't feel suffocated despite all these frequent meetings. and i keep thinking about him too. sweet sweet love.

i've been trying to figure out the love language of both of us. i think his is time, acts of service and touch. try as i might... i still can't figure out what mine are. haha.

2011-05-27T01:00:00.002+08:00

it's nice to know you're right there when i feel like being alone with myself. i think i'm like a cat sometimes, in that way. i need to feel the solitaryness in order to feel like myself, and in fact, sometimes i miss how common friends used to see us as different entities - i wonder if there can be a way to go back to that stage somehow.

but it's also nice to know you'll always be right there when i feel like reaching out.

2011-05-22T00:33:00.001+08:00

the sweetest thing.

excerpt from an msn convo (:

share something else with you ok...
sometime i shared with the guys tonight
you may not believe...but...it's a true story
over the past few months...i talked to God a lot about singlehood and getting attach
and i was determined to stay single for at least a while more...
i was convinced that i had a couple more years of singlehood
i told God...I will have the strength to stay single and keep my heart away from any girl for now
except from one girl
you!
but at the same time...i thought you would never fall for me...so i thought i got it covered...i'm gonna follow the plan without a hitch
when you asked me to join in for vietnam...i thought...
what is God up to...why the Blessing to travel with you for grad trip
and finally when you fell asleep next to me...after MR FANTASTIC FOX....haha...
I prayed onced more...Lord you're amazing!
ok..i told the guys a shorter version of this
and now they all want an ipod touch with movies loaded on it

2011-05-03T16:36:00.003+08:00

thoughts from the mermaid chair.

there's a huge difference between loving and being loved.

there's a type of love which consumes you but only belongs to the moment, in the shadowy lines of your soul.

there's a another type of love which you live with, make pancakes in the morning with, laugh and talk about work with, a habit, growing to be a part of yourself.

2011-04-30T12:20:00.000+08:00

the whole world looks different when you are whizzing by at the back of a motorbike.

i think my heart has a life of its own.

he kinda signalled his intentions to chase me and asked if i already have a bf. in my reply, i had typed and re-typed, preparing an entire message to explain how i am extremely uncertain on how things will work out between us, because we are so different. but how i am unwilling to just let it go because i really do enjoy his company - he makes me laugh so much and makes my breath get caught in my throat. but in the end, i deleted it all away and just replied his question with a one-liner.

so now i'm grappling with the question of what i want to choose with my life. and are we really fundamentally different. is it enough that we get along?

i spoke to d odo and m ei, and they adamantly believed that this was just infatuation and that i should just stick to d es. sigh. i really don't know. sometimes i feel like we are worlds apart, but sometimes i feel like his placement in my life was so abrupt and yet, at the right time, that God must have a reason for doing so.

i was telling them, he seems like everything i want on the surface, but inside he's not. whereas, d es seems the least my type on the surface, but inside, we're similar in so many ways.

but, i don't laugh as much or feel as light-headed with d es. with d es, i'm just very much myself, just comfortable. i can say anything i want, do anything i want - he already knows me, almost to the core. but sometimes we just sit in silence and have nothing to talk about. whether it's because we hang out with each other too much - i have no idea. but comfort isn't necessary a bad thing.

with c harles, i am a different self. and maybe that's the only reason why he enjoys my company. the truth is, i really don't know why. we are so. freaking. different. and we just met. partly the reason why i like him is cos, as i very candidly told d odo, he is seriously the cutest hottest guy who ever chased me. HAHA. (okay maybe t olde is cuter but still! haha) it's so superficial but i mean, omg. even m anda's jaws dropped when she saw his photos. like you know, too good to be true, how can i just throw it away right? (DON'T JUDGE ME, all of you will think like that if you were me too!) and of course, that's not the only reason. we connect too somehow, in a different way. sigh.

i don't know if i like him for the thrill of experiencing something new. the same reason i love living overseas, the freedom i free when navigating a foreign land alone. i just love it when i sling on the motorbike helmet like an old pro and it actually feels familiar to me. when i'm sitting on the bike, not holding on to anything like i've done it a million times before. when i'm whizzing past the cars, turning my head to look at them. when i get so close to everything i could just reach out my hands to touch them. for the strangest reason, when i'm on the bike, i feel like a delinquent (which i never ever was), and i feel like i've made it in life, experiencing even that. so, for that reason, i'm really apprehensive about what my true feelings are towards him. tonight when i was on the bike, a thought just came into my head: we're both christians, but when we're together, i think we'll pull each other to hell with all that temptation.

so, it can't be right, right? :(

and then i was telling d odo that come on, d es and i don't even have anything going on cos' he's not looking for anything, but she said all good things are worth the wait. sighhh. i don't know man. it's like career searching. sometimes you wait wait and wait, reject all the other good offers just because you are trying to secure the interview of your dream job. and after the interview, you don't even get the job.

but, if i had a chance with both of them, d es would be all right right right, i'd get together with him, we have so many common friends we would have so much fun hanging out, i already know and trust him so well so we wouldn't have any problems, my parents would love him, we'd get married when the time is right and have kids and be really romantic even till we're old. c harles, on the other hand, would be all wrong wrong wrong. we'd spend the nights chasing adventures, whizzing through desolated streets. we'd go to church together, but it'll only be us. he'll be always wanting to skate, kayak, run, play volleyball and do all kinds of sports, whereas i only want to chill and talk. my parents would be totally against him for his bike and for him wanting to bring me to malaysia after midnight for supper. there'd be incidents happening in his family which i'd probably be involved in. he'll probably wanna get married way before i'm ready, and that'd be another problem. and then after marriage i'd hafta support his siblings education yada yada and i don't know what else cos' i don't know him well enough.

2011-04-24T18:56:00.004+08:00

hello myself

pastor said it so beautifully today. wait and be patient for your life partner, and God will show you one in due time. for He looks ahead into the future and knows how your preferences change over time, He wants the best for you, and He will send one your way that is above and exceeding all that you asked for. in due time.

just like how God delivered me my dream job in such a timely manner. i believe He will do the same for the other aspects of my life too. thank you Jesus for loving us :)

i feel so happy, blessed and at peace now. i see no need to be emo anymore, nor to pine for a particular someone. cos' i'm sure as God is guiding me what to do, He is guiding my future life partner too. and if D is not the one for me, and he's slow to make a move because he's not very sure himself, then noooo, i don't want him to make a move.

now i kinda wish i wasn't going to vietnam with D anymore. it might just knock me off this contented emotional equilibrium. but He will be my strength and wisdom. and i'm not gonna try so hard and rack my brains over how to ensure i-show-D-i-like-him-but-at-the-same-time-not-appear-too-obvious. i'm gonna go back to my old self. and if anything happens, it should happen easily, happily, like a breeze on a warm summer day. i'm going to rest in faith. :)

2011-04-18T21:59:00.001+08:00

jag känner mig så dum att bry sig så mycket när man inte gör det. inte ens ett SMS för att önska mig lycka till....

2011-04-15T22:35:00.004+08:00

the probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. the lure of it is immense. we send starships. we fall in love.

i am becoming such a stalkerish person i am freaking myself out. sigh. he went out today with two of his ex-colleagues, one of them whom i'm sure likes him. and you know, he's nice to every every one. so i don't know.

haiyo i am thinking too much right? even if he doesn't like her, what chance is there for me if he's not even looking.

i used to be a completely different person around him. used to be really myself. who dared to go out and do things, because i just didn't care. and really in lund, he's one of my only 2/3 friends who's seen a side of me that i'd be so embarassed to be reminded of. yep under intoxication. haha. still he really honestly said that i was what he was looking for in a wife. well, not specifically me, but someone like me.

and i'm so afraid that jealousy and possessiveness and worry will warp me entirely, till i turn into a completely different person and then i'll lose him altogether.

and it's so weird. i don't even like him like how i liked ***** or ******. the way i liked them, was really. overwhelming. with all my life and heart. it consumed me every second of the day, every thought and emotion. that was when i was young, i suppose. now, i've learnt to guard my heart more carefully. i still feel it, pangs and tinges, and emo-ness creeping in at times (like now), and it's still a rollercoaster ride, but, one that's more muted. like, instead of a really scary three-hundred-and-sixty-degrees triple loop coaster, it's a milder version.

sigh. why must he have so many good girl friends? why am i think so much? :(

i need to put things into perspective. i really wanna see him like how i did in the past - when i used to not care so much, and i'm trying hard not to overstep my boundaries into his space because i know he needs it. but it's so hard. is facebook-stalking bad for me? i suppose so right? cos' it lets me know whatever he's doing or saying everyday, and it just preoccupies me. maybe the first step is not to facebook-stalk anymore. haha. that removes a daily pleasure for me though. (now i really sound stalkerish). but i really enjoy ending my day, after my bath and just before bed, logging onto facebook to see how he's doing. BUT I SHOULD STOP RIGHT?

here's my plan:
step 1) stop stalking his profile. check it only like once every 3 days.

oh crap. i can't think of anything else. it's funny how i've come to this level huh? but i really cannot go any further. especially when he's indicated that he's not looking for a relationship especially when he hasn't found a job yet. must protect my heart yo.

oh okay i thought of step 2
step 2) hang out with other guys so that you won't be so preoccupied with him only.

yeayy this looks like a plan. okay that's all for now i guess, i got exam tmr! wish me luck!

2011-04-14T00:07:00.003+08:00

8.09pm: somewhere along the way, i just let go. it's weird, that as time goes by, i let go faster, easier. i'm tired of holding on. or maybe it just means that i've learnt to recognise signs of what's worth holding on to, and what's not.

8.11pm: it was so weird. i actually thought to myself, i can't wait for ***** to come back. cos' even if i like him and get hurt all over again, it's a hurt i'm familiar with. a hurt i have dealt with for 2 years (and since recovered from). so, a familiar hurt must be better than an unfamiliar one right? at least, you know how it feels like, when it's going to end.

12.12am: i think i have all this pent-up energy and frustration inside me cos' i'm holding on too tightly to nothing. just made-up expectations in my head. gotta gotta breathe and let go. girls really read too much into things, no? sigh. i was so proud of myself last year that i managed not to like him for ONE WHOLE YEAR. cos' i saw him as more like a girl pal than a guy. ahh then now... this. zzz. oh well, i guess later is better than sooner. or not. because then there comes this question

have i lost you, flightless bird

when will i ever learn to just let go and let God. i must. or else, i will just be spiralling into a crazy web of imagined possibilities and eventually, drown in my own thoughts.

2011-04-12T23:21:00.001+08:00

so good at giving advice to others. so bad at following my own.

2011-04-07T22:43:00.003+08:00

because i have too high expectations. who do i treat him as, my bf? yeahh. i have no right to tell him where he can or cannot go, nor should i be the first person who comes to his mind. i'm just disappointed that he. didn't. ask. me. first. when i was the one who asked him.

and yeah, thanks for inviting me when two of you have already firmed up the plans. tell me, how am i supposed to go if it's a 2 for 1 friggin promotion?!!! who will be the 4th person, huh!

because of you (and my own angsty heart), i cannot prepare for my interview tmr properly. and u totally crashed my already draining day, and i foresee myself to be reduced to tears in a few more minutes. if i can even muster the strength. actually, i think i might just crumble into bed and fall asleep.

i wish i could just throw my heart out of the window. it brings me too much pain and too little joy.

2011-04-07T22:00:00.001+08:00

erh. you two suck. both of you. go go go go to santorini and have fun and leave me stuck here. THANKS. BOO :( and i was the one who told you of the lobang. RAH.

2011-04-05T01:31:00.001+08:00

and i'm really, tired, of making the same mistakes. over and over again.

my heart tears apart in the exact same way each time.

2011-04-05T01:22:00.003+08:00

will it really work if i keep re-reading our msn convos, to remind myself how things were, how they are supposed to be?

i miss those times when i really couldn't be bothered. haha. where i dished out words and lines effortlessly, when his words didn't mean more than anyone else's and i was just myself - free, happy and carefree around him. i remember thinking in lund, "i will never ever fall for this guy". seriously, i thought that so often. i had no trace of feelings towards him at all and was even disgusted when he was too nice to me. i didn't even see him as a guy when i came back. more like, hmm, this sissy friend?

ho ho. look how the cards have turned and he has all the power over me. it's funny huh? i used to discuss with h azel all the time why on earth will girls like him and omg i'm in the middle of it all. got so many girls liking him omgggg. why why. he very nice meh. i must be crazy. snap outta it you crazy girl. gobackgobackgoback find a new muse or whatever. just, escape, be anywhere else, but here.

there are some things which i can be so fearless about, but when it comes to matters of the heart, i retreat at the first opportunity. :(

2011-04-05T01:20:00.001+08:00

XXXX XXX XXXX CAN YOU PLEASE DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND STICK WITH IT. LOSER. TSK.

2011-03-26T18:53:00.002+08:00

i gotta decide on what i wanna do and stick to it. i don't know if it's good or bad that i keep changing my mind so often and adjusting to the circumstances.

on one hand it's good because then, i would really tailor to the circumstances? on the other hand it's really tiring because i have to keep thinking of what i should do with regards to this... and then the next day i have to think again, what i should do with regards to that.

hmm. i think i am really not living up to the "restful life". i should just live everything to God and not worry and think so much right?

for which man, by worrying, could add one more day to his life?

it's just so hard to let go. and let go of your thoughts even. i find it hard to go back to the place of faith i was two years back. because when my prayer didn't materialise i really hit rock-bottom.

but i'll try. cos' i know He has my future in His hands. and the plans He has for me are to prosper me and give me a good future.

it's just... everything seems like it's hit a wall. i feel like time is crawling. and i am not moving. gotta ignore my circumstances and walk by faith ya?

for now, i'll just be still and wait. and contently be your best friend. and we'll see what God does.

2011-01-20T23:37:00.002+08:00

i don't know how my future's going to pan out,
all i know- it's gonna be good.
i feel so safe in the palm of Your hands.

Your beauty, grace and mercy
how could i ever turn away from it?
from the first glimpse
i was drawn. i am Your prisoner of hope and faith.

:)

2011-01-19T21:12:00.001+08:00

i guess it is a little disconcerting,
that after all this time, i still can't. stop. myself.

argh.

2010-10-04T21:14:00.002+08:00

without even knowing...

So can we just slow down
while you make this mistake
just slow down
so my heart don't break.

i wouldn't even mind if you thought it was a mistake.

i always wondered why can't some guys just give it up and get someone else to like, and get annoyed and so angry at them because i think it's stupid for them to persistently chase someone who doesn't reciprocate. dumb idiots right. like me. whose heart refuses to listen to her brain.

this sucks........... what must i do, migrate permanently?

2010-08-19T23:17:00.000+08:00

this close, to wanting out. i'm trying of always forcing myself in.

2010-07-12T00:16:00.003+08:00

six months.

forced to trust in Him like never before. honestly speaking, because i don't have a choice anymore - because this time there's really nothing else i can do and no one else i can turn to. i feel sorry that things turned out such that He is my last resort instead of my first. i feel sorry that my faith is no longer as energised, rather, i feel like i'm entering a period of spiritual drought, and i'm barely hanging on to my last lifeline. don't, don't let me go God.

/edit 12 july 2010, 9.19pm: prayed in tongues last night and finally felt His supernatural peace fall upon me once again. i professed that Jesus was already my victory in these things and stopped worrying about the issues. true enough, today, when i went to attend marie's convocation. not once did a single worry cross my mind, and guess what. i got a call from the company i applied for- bizarrely, it sounded as if the lady wanted to hire me even without me first attending an interview. and on the way home, meiying messaged to tell me that we got our bids for BOSS. what else can i say but, hallelujah :)

2010-07-03T22:54:00.002+08:00

just found out one of my acquaintances is going to sweden next sem for exchange too. i. really. felt. very. sour. and. sad. the exact same feeling one would get if you find out your ex is together with another girl. i don't know why i'm finding it so hard to re-adjust back.

2010-06-23T20:42:00.004+08:00

ugh i hate this. having just come back from lund, and missing it so much - the nice weather, the quietness and the easy life. it was been so hot and humid here, and my house is so cluttered and messy i'm not used to it. went to OIR today to file some claims, and the noise from the motorcycles and the MRT gave me a headache. no kidding. then it started pouring super heavily as i was about to go home. and my mom just came into my room to nag to me about how i should have started saving money for my future house, retirement blah blah.. how i will get sick when i grow older and need to foot medical bills... and how most people in singapore need like 30 years to work to pay off just their housing loan blah blah blah. and she kept repeating "singapore is not like sweden, the people there pay tax and they have everything taken care of etc etc. singapore is not like sweden singapore is not like sweden" YES I KNOW SINGAPORE IS NOT LIKE SWEDEN. it's like a jarring fact swimming right in front of my eyes can. thanks to her, it completed my bad-to-start-with day, and i really feel a sense of despair now about how i am probably stuck here forever, working my ass off in a small office cubicle with harsh glaring lights and growing old worrying about how to pay the bills. FML

2010-06-23T17:51:00.002+08:00

i've been trying to sound excited that i'm back in singapore for my friends' sake. they are afterall, the only reason i am excited (and maybe for the food). but besides that, nothing could be further from the truth. i didn't expect this, i honestly thought i would be happy when i stepped back home. now i just feel like that girl in the belljar.

7 days.

2009-12-29T16:41:00.000+08:00

just met up with hazel and des to decide where we are going to spend our first few "homeless" nights in sweden. sigh. i wish m.y. was going with me too. i've grown used to travelling with her and do, at least we have the same tastes and everything.

last night, after the smux agm, we went to timbre. things happened there. damn sian. it's always after i've resoluted something, things happen to test the strength of my willpower. she woke with a smile. i felt like that before, no? a long long time ago. but today i just woke up with bad dreams of possibilities. i hope he doesn't come send me off. i really hope i won't see him again, at least for another year. realised that i'm not strong enough, though time and time again i've tried. everytime i think i've succeeded, it proved to be an illusion as something as small as a glance is able to send my wall crumbling down each time. i'm really sick of all these emo blog posts too. why can't i just stop. why why why.

7 days.

just two days ago i started packing, bit by bit. into the luggage went my winter clothes first. then went my accessories. the rest have yet to be packed. my parents were watching me pack, and i already started missing them, not being able to see them for the next 6 months. plus my friends. my closest friends who are not following me this time. and all my other friends. hmm. i dunno. i've been so emotional these days, and it's not even pms-time yet! HAHA. dunno how i'm going to survive there. i really hope i don't get homesick, which i think is highly likely because i already feel abit homesick the past few days. retarded right :( after last night, i was abit more eager to leave. leave this mess behind. this mess which has been rotting for the past one and half years. it's time to make a clean break. this is the chance for my great escape.

okay, maybe "eager" is not the right word. somehow, i don't feel excited at all. more like... i guess flying off is the only option i have to happiness.

2009-12-02T12:09:00.004+08:00

go back to go forward.

tired of this place and what i've become.
can't help but feel really stupid.
been stupid for the past one year.
clever heart, it's time to go.
close my eyes and go back in time.

promise, i won't look back.

2009-10-23T15:20:00.005+08:00

i wish you would say hello first, so i could wish you back two words of good luck.

my heart thumps when i think of your impending competition.
wondering if you will win this time.
thinking, hoping, every single moment.
unwillingly, my mind creeps beyond the forbidden line.

i feel my face betraying too much emotion;
i'm trying hard not to stare.
when i talk to you, i seem nonchalent,
i look away, i'm pretending not to care.

i crumble a little when i see you disheartened,
shoulders slumped, black and blue.
i find my thoughts wandering off and each time,
realise with a jolt that it's always back to you.

2009-10-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

prisoner of hope.

what used to lift me up so high is now just a stark reminder of how i'm stuck in my own stupidity.

2009-10-11T22:05:00.000+08:00

whatever you want me to be.

a speck of dust on your shoulder. paper for a teardrop. song for a smile.
i don't want to be any more, or any less.

2009-09-20T23:44:00.004+08:00

This post is to remind myself.

Because if I don't remind myself, then as time passes, my assurance will just fade, as it did again and again.

This morning, I was at Raffles City MacDonald's having breakfast, just staring out of the window and waiting for Amanda. I was bored but I didn't feel like taking out my books to read yet, so I just stared out of the glass walls, watched a few people walk past, and listening to the radio.

You know, I've always wondered whether the path I've chosen was the path that was meant for me. In the past year, I have always believed fervently so. Because of so many things that happened, little things, little tests and bargains I made with the Big Guy Upstairs... I think we're not really supposed to do that, but I was really unsure if I was going in the right direction. And even though I know He's always listening, being the human me who is still full of uncertainty and doubt, I like to kinda test it sometimes, just to check (I know, I know, not supposed to).

But Thank God He is really always listening. Last year, during my Finance presentation, one of my group members got my name wrong on the presentation slide. And he totally didn't know about anything at all. That was the week pastor preached about signs. And I was so darn happy.

Then another time, I was at karaoke with the skaters. And I made a silent bet that if "Love Me" was the song someone was looking for, then, I was still heading in the right direction. It was. Of course, all these could be coincidences. It really depends what you believe. And this year, my confidence wavered, I was prepared to lose all hope.

And I did, never thinking any more of it.

Until today. I suddenly thought of it again. And somehow, out of nowhere, (really out of nowhere, because I hadn't thought about the issue in a very long time) I made yet another silent bet... that if "You Belong with Me" played on the radio before I left MacDonald's, I would keep holding on. Song after song played by, and Amanda came. I had already forgotten about my wager and was excitedly talking to Amanda when she stopped me in the middle of my sentence and gestured to the radio upwards. I had no idea at all what she was referring to when the familiar tune rang out to me..."You're on the phone, with your girlfriend, she's upset..."

I was stunned beyond words, I just looked at her, mouth agape. I literally couldn't believe my ears! But there it was, playing overhead.

Really. What are the chances. Although now a little bit of doubt is creeping in that it might might all be just a coincidence, I think it is likely that it is a God-incidence instead. And even when I forgot about my wager, He remembers all the minute details in my life. I felt so happy after that. I really hope I don't forget this, and I don't lose my confidence again. True enough, I still don't know what to do. But I think I have a vague picture of what's awaiting me, and I know that God will make all things work out for good to those who love Him in the end.

He is really awesome in this place.

(ps* Amanda got saved today! :D)
(pps* This post is purely my personal reminder. If you disagree, then go away. Haha.)

2009-07-17T22:51:00.002+08:00

Okay, while I'm still in a rather emo mood, I shall blog something here in case I forget in the future.

I miss this old friend back in the USA. His name is Justin Young and he's from Memphis. He is really a very very nice guy. I can remember his eyes most - somehow they just strike me as honest eyes, if there's such a thing. He's very understanding and patient, genuinely eager to learn about us and he likes to talk to us about God. I don't know, there's just such a special quality about him - like he's the epitome of goodness without being overbearingly saintly or strange. We saw him get angry once so we know he's not perfect. He invited us to all his outings - church, to hike, to shop, the pool party, to Universal Studios, to the wacky prom. I just regret being so prickly towards him. Because he didn't know that Singapore is very much like America, so when he asks questions like whether we've heard a particular pop song before, I get very defensive and say stuff like "Of course" in a more insulted way than I mean to sound. Yeah. Random memories because I was looking through my old emails and happened to chance upon his email to me.

2009-07-17T22:22:00.004+08:00

These few days have just been very dull for me. Because I'm numbing every single feeling (involuntarily), the day just passes by in a monotone. I hate this feeling. I feel empty, and restless. I don't feel very alive.

He was treating me quite coldly the past few days, so much so that I began to think that somehow my secret leaked out and he knew, so he was trying to avoid me. I felt relieved, in a way, and thankful.

But yesterday, he suddenly asked me to watch Harry Potter with him. How could I refuse?

This time round, I didn't feel the euphoria of what I felt the last time. I didn't feel anything, in the daytime. Towards the end of work I began to feel a little bit excited, but that was only because I was going out after work.

Met him at the train station at six. We went to have Thai Express, then walked around abit, then went to play basketball at the arcade. The movie was ten so we had seriously a lot of time to spare. We sat in the theatre half an hour early because we were bored of walking around (Tiong Bahru has really limited shops) and then just talked there.

We were talking about her, as usual. I could tell that he's really crazy over her because he was linking her to almost everything we said. Furthermore, his eyes really lit up whenever we spoke about her. Of course he was mainly the one talking but I was just listening, encouraging him because he felt he had no hope already.

She is one effing lucky girl.

Anyway, I did enjoy myself... but always with a sad feeling nagging within me. It can never be the same again. The very moment I met him at the train station, I was preoccupied with remembering every single detail and second, because this might be the last time. When I was seated next to him in the cinema, I didn't dare to look, just stared straight ahead in my seat while he played on his iPhone. I really treasure these quiet moments which are so hard to get. Of course, as she was on his mind all the time, the sad fact was on my mind all the time too. The truth that will always be there.

Didn't you say you only needed someone who could understand you? So what's the point of telling me that I'm the only one who understands you. Do you think it makes me happy to hear that.

2009-06-22T21:54:00.002+08:00

Mom's birthday today.

I totally forgot. Upon coming home, I saw my dad eagerly asking me if I had wrapping paper. I gave it to him, and went to bathe. When I came out, I saw him meticulously wrapping a little box, even making paper ribbons and putting it on top. I asked who the present was for. He told me, for Mommy, I forgot? It was strange that I forgot, even he commented so. Usually I'm the one who remembers all the birthdays in the house, even my maid's birthday, when she was still here. And I'd be the one making sure everyone had a present and every occasion gets celebrated. If not, it would be like any other day, all of us just sitting in front of our own computers, minding our own business.

It's been a long time since I've seen my dad taking the initiative to celebrate my mom's birthday. He purposely sent my mom to Orchard shopping so he could go and get her present, the mp3 she always wanted. Then when I came home, he asked me to accompany him to buy her a cake. And he chose durian cake because durians are her favourite fruit. I was quite touched by his gestures, it's really something special he's doing this year.

But when my mom came back, she was in quite a bad mood. My dad was so eager and happy to get out the cake and light the candles, he really looked like a child wanting to surprise her. But all my mom said was, "You all bought cake? Go eat first la... I don't want any." I was so angry when I heard it... I had to stop myself from crying. I don't know why I felt so hurt hearing that, maybe after seeing all the effort I'd seen my dad put in. I had to stop myself from like, telling her how could she be like that. She said she had a headache, but still. Gosh. I feel so sad for my dad. And... maybe because I feel sad because I forgot Father's Day yesterday too and I'm too shy to even tell him "Happy Belated Father's Day" today. Urgh. I don't know what I'm feeling at all. And I don't know the point of this post. Feels like a primary school kid writing.

2009-06-21T22:11:00.001+08:00

I was skating at the runway. It was so beautiful, I felt like I was in Europe. The wind was cool, huge fields of green grass were by my side, and I couldn't see the end of the road. I was just speeding down, feeling the sunshine on my face and the wind on my cheeks. My heart was light, and just when I thought I'd finally let it go...

There he was, in the distance. So far away he was just a silhouette, yet I spotted him in the crowd. Everyone was going forward, so was I, but he was just standing there, gazing back at us, waiting.

That image... will really be embedded in my mind for a long long time to come.

Because I think that might be a picture of the times to come.

And it hurts to be reminded that he will still be there when I move forward. He's waiting for someone else and I'm merely a passerby in his life.

The kind of flawless I wish I could be.

2009-06-07T01:24:00.003+08:00

The words from two days ago keep ringing in my head.

"You think I'm good enough to get any girl I want? Never. You think I can get you? No, I can't."

That's the hardest part, the part that replays in my mind over and over again.

What if, at that point, I told him the truth?

2009-06-06T01:12:00.002+08:00

Right. So who I am kiddin'. The tears still come everyday, when I'm on the bus, when I'm listening to a song, when I'm lying on my bed trying to get to sleep. They catch me unaware, they come in such a sudden flash I can't even stop them.

It's painful when I have to hear him gush about her. Read and scruntinize the poems and their meanings, just to be told that everything is about her. What is this? Desensitivisation? Does this term ever exist when it comes to matters of the heart? Because every new arrow hurts as much as the first one.

I don't know. This is just all-too-familiar, it reminds me of the other time. And this new wound just caused the old one to re-open, so it feels like I'm suffering two instead of only one. I can't help thinking how hard I tried not to make the same mistakes, how I was bottling everything up, looking strong, how I manage to mould myself into someone whom I thought was more perfect. You know why she's lucky? She's lucky because she was born in the right year, she went to the right school, she met the right people, she was put on the right stage. She had the right hair, the right eyes, the right height, the right cuteness and wittiness. But she wasn't happy, she couldn't do her work right, she couldn't deal with people right. She was what I used to be like in the past. She was lucky because she won in spite of all this. And I lost, despite trying to do everything right this time round.

Having come this far as someone else, I just feel lost. The mould I have had been set so steadily that I can barely see my old self anymore. Who am I. Am I really fearless. Am I really kind. Am I really mature. I can't find myself anymore. The girl with bangs, the one who loved sunsets, vanilla ice-cream, who was afraid of the dark and ran away from flying insects, she could never eat a meal alone, she wore her heart on her sleeve, she was carefree - she lived, laughed, pouted and cried for all to see.

Somewhere along the way, she got lost.

2009-06-05T12:11:00.003+08:00

Okay. So I've been coping with it much better than I expected to. Even Amanda is surprised. Because I act so happy and high around everyone.

Truth is, I try to overcompensate, in a way. That's why everyone's been mentioning I've been unusually high these days. But it is so tiring I feel giddy and feel like fainting sometimes. I've also been trying to block out my thoughts, that's why I picked up the guitar even though I hated it when I tried to learn it months ago. Afterall, the harder it is to learn, the more focused I'll have to be right? But strangely, for the most part, I feel quite at rest now. It just washed over me right after I told him I knew. It's so freakin weird that I don't feel sad anymore, judging by how affected I was by the same news in January. I'm sure someone higher, someone up there has a part in carrying me through.

And... even though I can't deny that it was a major crash for me because this was the only thing I prayed so hard for, He probably has some other plans for me. In consolation, at least the person involved regards me as a good friend now. Which is kind of baffling because it's like, since when did I become good friends with him? Haha. But he told me so many things and gave me his blog. That gesture really stunned and touched me at the same time. So much so that I opened the link but just froze there, not daring to read anything because it's so private, not knowing what to say in reply. Yeah. So now I'm his good friend but I don't know if he is my good friend yet. Because I'm naturally a very reserved person about my thoughts and feelings, and it would take a lot of trust for me to open up to anyone. But it doesn't matter, knowing me, I'd be more happy to be a person's good friend than for a person to be my good friend. HAHA. You'd get it if you knew the "love or be loved" question.

Can I be more selfish for my own good? Time for the superego to take a break and the id to come out to party. But nah... not before I've reduced the damage in the team.

On a random note, my right eye got red again! Argh. Annoying. Please please recover soon so I can wear contacts!

2009-06-03T09:56:00.004+08:00

Blogs really have an uncanny way of getting uncovered by the very people whom you want to keep them from!

Aiyo so voyeuristic. Shall not go read them.

Sigh. The puddle is getting messier and messier. It sucks to know so much. Then you have to consider how you should act towards this person so he/she will not get hurt, or how you have to keep it from this person yadda yadda. It's tiring. And even worse when you mess up and end up hurting others because you can't tell them what you know. And then you mess it up even more when your heart turns soft and you tell them what you're not supposed to tell them.

I feel like a horrible person. Arghhh. Ignorance is really bliss.

And okay, this post is read-able. Even if anyone finds it accidentally. Shall not post any more too-personal posts anymore haha.

5-19 Jan. 1 Jun. Teardrops on my guitar.

2009-05-24T01:22:00.005+08:00

He asked me on MSN last night to accompany him between his Adidas Sundown meeting and our PCN Skate. Haha. Actually he asked if I was free then changed his mind halfway by saying he didn't want to trouble me but I kinda insisted on going. Hees.

Couldn't sleep at all last night cos' I was so elated.

And this morning when I woke up, I was wondering if I dreamt it all last night.

Anyways, we had lunch at Xin Wang Cafe in Plaza Sing, then went to buy his headphones, then we went to Cathay, and then Heeren to look for our Flip-Flops. It felt nice just to be walking beside him and having the conversation all to ourselves (because he's normally distracted when we are with friends).

Today may be nothing but still...I felt so blessed and lucky. Whee.

Yeah I know what you all must be thinking right. Silly girl!

2009-04-17T14:10:00.009+08:00

Edit (20/5/09): Grades have been better than they've ever been! A- for CAT, A for Psych, B+ for Nego, A- for FT and B+ for Finance!

There, exams are over and there were not too bad I must say. I think I'm probably able to get an A- for CAT, B+ for Psych, A- for Nego, B+ for FT and B/B- for Finance?

Now... for an elaboration on one of my previous posts.

On my MSN personal message, I wrote that this sem has been crazy, but undeniably fulfilling. Well, fulfilling was not exactly the word I had in mind, but I didn't want to sound neurotic and emo.

This sem has been a significant period in my life. It has changed me, forced me to grow stronger, harder, and... sometimes I wonder, blinder?

Perseverence
From my hopefulness on the first day of the new year, to my despair from the 5th to 19th January. I've never felt so many extreme emotional ups and downs in a long time. When I was happy, I shone for all to see, and I could even tell that other people want to be as happy as me. But when I was sad, especially during that two weeks when it first occurred to me that there may be something going on between them, I just lost my appetite, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't stop thinking and my heart really felt like it was being pierced with each passing thought. Since then, I've managed to look on the bright side again, since nothing has been confirmed afterall. Yet, I know that sometimes I'm forcing myself to keep my chin up, forcing myself to get back up again and keep on hoping no matter what. But I'm so afraid that I'll cross the line from being optimistic to delusional.

Self-Control
In the midst of my emotional outbursts- times where I longed to let it all out, talk to someone who could give me real first-hand advice, instead of the other "safe" friends I've been confiding in who could only give me general advice since they don't know the parties involved- I restrained myself. I don't know if this is healthy or not but it's definitely better for the situation. I still remember in JC when I actually made the stupid phonecall to him. I'm so glad I'm managing to resist all of these futile urges. I don't even show my true feelings much on MSN, I just try to give a positive outlook to all those who know me. But like I said, I don't know if it's healthy to just bottle things up like that.

Also, with regards to interpreting his actions and words, I am so much more logical and rational. I think it's partly due to AS being drilled into my head twice. It's good. I still trust my intuition, but before doing anything, I objectively weigh the consequences and so far, I am happy with the choices I've made.

I just have to rest and have faith.

2009-04-12T00:29:00.004+08:00

Just jotting down a list of places I want to go after exams in case I forget!

1) Sentosa
2) Holland V

I am so freakin' dead for Finance. I'm doing my cheatsheet now but I don't think I'll understand it when the time comes! :s

2009-04-06T20:01:00.004+08:00

Today was the first day of study break. Did almost 10 questions of Finance which is considered quite a feat since my records used to be like... 4 mcqs per day. Hah.

As expected, only a few people showed. Jessica, Terence and Jonathan. It was pretty productive but I didn't enjoy studying like I used to anymore. It's okay, I prepared myself for it anyway.

I think I've somehow matured alot over this whole incident. Comparing it to the JC times, I have much more control over my emotions and actions. Like I don't put silly personal messages on my MSN which may lead to detrimental effects, or I don't do things on impulse anymore (well, not so often anyway). Also, my perspective on things are more rational, realistic, and yet optimistic too. Some may call it dogmatism, but to me it's called faith.

I'm still believing. (:

2009-04-04T22:52:00.002+08:00

Every now and then I guess I should remember to blog. To keep myself in check, and for me to look back upon when I get older. And... to make sure blogger doesn't shut this blog down.

So today was the Adrace skating clinic which I totally didn't want to go because duh, I'd rather stay at home at study. It's Week 13 again and I've a freaking lot of things to do! Surprisingly it wasn't that bad. It's amusing to see how dreaded I am to skate now, after the pressure of organising Skate Day. Like a 180 degrees flip from last term. It's also because of a change in the people mix I guess. I really miss who we used to have. The people from last December, whom I stayed over in school with and went to KL with. I miss them alot. I miss what we all used to have.

Above all, I'll have to admit that I can attribute it to one sole reason. I realised I can't be too direct because there are ways for people to find your blog out of nowhere! I found my friend's blog through google images and another of my friend found another of my friend's blog through goodness-knows-where! It's always be better to be safe than sorry. So, that important reason is for me and me to know only.

I'm trying to hold on before it fades away.

2009-03-01T01:06:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling the wave of loneliness, which I used to feel after coming back from my clubbing sessions. Hmm, it's been a long time since I felt that. I guess it's kind of due to disappointment. I expected my 21st birthday party to be so awesome and spent so much time, money and effort planning everything. And it was really pretty. But in the end, despite how hard I prayed, the rain still kept falling. Also, I wanted a real nice heart-felt message from him but all I got was such a generic message I just rolled my eyes. Seriously, my heart just sank.

On December 31 last year, I had such confidence that 2009 would be a great year. As the months go by, I'm not so sure anymore. It might be because of my high expectations though. As much as I'm really touched by some of my friends, I didn't get what I really really wanted. And because of today's rain, my faith really took a whammy. I know sometimes things don't happen for a reason we may not know until later, but still, the immature part of me feels so discouraged.

I suppose I must really remind myself that only two months have passed, there's still a long way to go and things may look up.

I don't know. Sometimes I get tired of psyching myself that things will always work out in the end.

2009-01-25T16:10:00.000+08:00

Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

2009-01-16T01:53:00.003+08:00

These few days have been hard for me, to say the least.

I feel like there's this gaping hole in my heart all the time The times when I think of them I feel like little poisoned arrows are digging into me I feel lost I feel resigned I can't sleep at night I dread turning off the lights and lying on my bed because that's when I can't escape my own thoughts At least in the day I can keep myself busy Sometimes I dream of him Sometimes I wake up feeling so scared for no reason Sometimes tears well in my eyes And among it all I think I just feel this great sense of loss I had him for a while But he doesn't smile for me anymore And I don't know when the winds changed When along the way did I lose him I'm just so broken So tired I feel like my heart's bleeding and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try

2009-01-03T12:14:00.003+08:00

2009 is gonna be a good year. I felt it the moment the clock striked twelve. The air even became fresher (okay, that may be because it rained the past few days... but still!).

The first day of January, I got an email saying I had been accepted to be a Teaching Assistant to my prof.

The second day of January, I got into skating exco! (Walkover, no speech required - phew!)

The third day... I guess I can't have pleasant surprises every single day. But, I'm still feeling incredibly happy. For no reason.

Even though I know it's gonna be a busy year for me (6 modules, 1 TA, skating exco, OCIP overall i/c), I'm walking the first few steps of it with confidence. I feel extremely blessed and thankful, and I know that prayers will continue to be answered and He will continue to watch over and guide every step of my way.

2008-12-30T21:18:00.005+08:00

I don't know what I'll do when school starts. I think I might be the first human to ever explode, I really feel like I'm going to be shredded into a million pieces. C'mon I need some willpower! All I have to do is wait and tide it through, God will do the rest. Smile, girl, have some faith.
All it takes is a smile from you, your eyes meeting mine.

2008-12-29T10:46:00.003+08:00

Follow the yellow brick road.

This time I'm not confused. I mean, I don't know what to think, but I do know what to do with a person who can't be read. Nothing! Haha. It was easier initially but as time went by it became harder and harder. I'm scared I'll stray from my path because my heartstrings are being tugged in a hundred different directions.

2008-05-11T22:33:00.000+08:00

There are people who cross your paths only once a lifetime. There are some, by twists of fate, who weave in and out of your life time and time again.

Someone you've known for a long long time, though not very well. Someone who seemed to have been on your list of contacts for MSN since forever, but whom you've never had a proper conversation with before. Someone whom got thrown into the same primary school class as you. Someone whom you met again while studying for prelims, and subsequently, studied with him for O's. Someone who asked you to a ball. And all the while in between these little episodes, there's no trace or sign of that person.

And for now, "Someone who was your supper buddy for a while".

Last night, the episode ended. I chose to leave it like that because I felt like I should. No particular reason except my intuition.

I may be pretty flaky about things such as what to eat or which school to go to, but there are certain decisions which I strongly believe in and abide to with my life. Usually, these decisions are the ones I make irrationally, by following my gut feeling. I guess it turns out that I trust my instincts more than my brain.

In a way, life is like playing the stock market. You've got to pull out when you least want to, because you know it's the best thing to do.

Besides, I'm sure, so sure, that we'll meet again.

2008-05-07T00:23:00.004+08:00

Went to Salsa at Union Square with George. It was pretty fun! Even though I've completely forgotten all my basics. Oh, this man asked to dance with me and it was so freakin embarrassing because I was such a noob! And my arms kept getting tangled up. Literally! Oh my gosh. But all the twirling and swirling was fun, I wouldn't mind doing it again. Or continuing with Salsa Intermediate. That is, if I've the time considering I've Waltz and Tango to master.

Oh well, as long as it's dance. (:

2008-05-04T19:30:00.001+08:00

Okay, looks like I may not be able to do my cooking afterall since I'm going to be quite packed next week despite my attempts to make it free.

Going to perm my hair tomorrow. I hope it'll be nice! Because I have a meeting right after that so I can't go home to salvage it if it's not. I'm quite excited!

Was supposed to send Joanne off today but I fell sick after sending Fengru off yesterday. My nose keeps running and my throat keeps tickling.

I'm super depressed about my grades. Seriously sucks that other people are improving and friends are actually getting into the Dean's List and my GPA's falling like nobody's business. I'm so gonna study hard next term. Goal: 3.7!

2008-05-01T16:38:00.000+08:00

I must not procrastinate anymore and must start practising my cooking and tidying up my room next week!

Must! Don't have much time left in Singapore.

2008-04-28T13:17:00.000+08:00

My sunshine fix.

Nothing beats a day with your friends enjoying the sun, sand and sea. Add in a couple of sports like bungee-trampoline, laser tag and frisbee, and my day is complete.

I loveeee the beach.

I am incredibly happy, and I am not sure why. I guess it's just the littlest things that count. (:

2008-04-26T02:52:00.000+08:00

The Boleyn lesson.

How do I answer, what do I say, what do I do now?

The hour is nearing.

2008-04-25T14:57:00.000+08:00

A man on rebound is a dangerous thing.

2008-04-25T11:04:00.000+08:00

Went to Timbre to catch EIC last night with Amanda and Fen, their roasted duck pizza is soooo good. Today was spent chilling out with Marie and Fen at Spinelli.

I am really tempted to buy one of those maxi dresses from Zara, though I know I'll probably never ever wear them and each one costs more than a hundred dollars. Sigh. Should I indulge?

And I'm always sleepy nowadays, even though I get my eight hours of sleep and an afternoon nap everyday. Maybe I'm sleeping too much.

2008-04-23T15:31:00.000+08:00

Oh man, I'm really worried about my grades this term. I know I have been very complacent and lazy even in the days leading up to the exams. I don't have any confidence in my subjects other than BGS. CT just came out and I got B+ :( Though I knew my project was lousy it still sucked to see the B+ staring right back at you. Oh dear me, I'm in such a bad mood today. Please please please let my other subjects be better.

2008-04-23T15:09:00.000+08:00

On days like these, I totally agree with V when she said there are times she wouldn't mind turning lesbian. Some guys are just so ARGH. I won't even degrade a proper word by using it to describe them.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I need a plastic flamingo to kick.

2008-04-11T03:40:00.000+08:00

Too tired to fight it today. So I took the easy way out and went home.

Also the gloomy weather makes me feel so introspective but I've no time to reflect on my life. Got to focus on practising Stats instead. Seriously, school makes all our priorities wrong.

I could really use a smile, a hug, and a four-leave clover.

2008-04-07T15:49:00.000+08:00

Our project being to organise a love camp, there have been countless times when my CT group and I had to discuss the workings of love and relationships(before marriage). Just a few days back, I was so sure when I said that I felt there was no right and wrong in a relationship. Yes, even in cases of cheating. Who's to say what's right and wrong if love is already dead? It's nobody's fault, it just is. And it will remain dead whether the guy or girl has a affair or not, won't it?

I think anyone can say this with conviction from an outsider's perspective. But at this point in time, I really don't know what my stand is anymore.

2008-04-07T15:29:00.000+08:00

Heart of mine, be still
You can play with fire, but you'll get the bill
Don't let him know
Don't let him know that you love him
Oh, don't be a fool, don't be blind
Heart of mine

Heart of mine, go back home
You've got no reason to wander, no reason to roam
Don't let him see
Don't let him see that you need him
Oh, don't put yourself over the line
Heart of mine

Heart of mine, go back where you been
The only trouble for you is if you let him in
Don't let him hear
Don't let him hear where you're goin'
Oh, untie the ties that bind
Heart of mine

Heart of mine, so malicious and so full of guile
I give you an inch and you take a mile
Don't let yourself fall
Don't let yourself stumble
Oh, do the time, don't do the crime
Heart of mine

2008-03-28T15:09:00.000+08:00

Four presentations within these two weeks - I'm really feeling the tension now. Urgh. It sucks to be working with bossy people in your groups. Like people who insist on their way even though everyone else in the group thinks otherwise. And the same people who monopolize the powerpoint slides. I'm having a presentation tomorrow and the girl in charge of compiling doesn't even want us to send us the most updated version so we can have a look at it. I told her I needed to do changes to my parts and add custom animation otherwise the whole chunk of words popping up at once will totally turn the audience off but nooo, she just said, "I don't think we need it." And so she's refusing to send me the freakin' slides and I'll have to rush to change it tomorrow like an hour before presentation. ARGH.

And then there's this guy in my CT group who's bossy, in a good way, I guess, because at least he's decisive and stuff, which is especially important in a group with a majority of girls. But! Though he hasn't offended me personally yet, I have a problem with how he puts the ideas of my other groupmates' down. Like, when they suggest ideas, he's just like "no" without justifying or anything. It super pisses me off. Like, he thinks he's the king or something and his word's final? And it's supposed to be Creative Thinking... he only likes those un-creative tried and tested ideas. Oh man. I can't wait for all my group projects to be over. And exams too.

Summer come quick!

2008-03-23T16:30:00.000+08:00

Just came back from the OCS Comms Ball. Was afraid it'll be awkward but I met many people I haven't met for a long time, and Isaac was really interesting to talk to. Though he might think I'm a little weird. Haha. I think I'm so weird sometimes but I can't control myself. I went to tell him I had deja vu just now. The rule is to keep your mouth shut when you have deja vu because people get freaked out. I never ever learn. Or rather, I get so excited over my deja vus that I just blurt it out. Proudly, too. Haha.

Silent Vocal VI was a success with people complaining that it was too short and I'm so happy that we performed our curtain dance with emotions and synergy in the actual performance despite our disastrous rehearsals before that. I just regret that I didn't have the time to perform in more items.

I really hope I'll have enough time when it comes to Silent Vocal VII!

But all in all, it has been a really happy night. I'm so happy I'm even looking forward to waking up early to do my homework tomorrow. (:

Goodnight world!

2008-03-17T13:21:00.000+08:00

I'm in the school library now with a few unexpected hours of free time because my business law presentation got shifted to next week so I figured I would post an entry, before I get all busy and caught up in work again.

Was expecting to have a blast in the sun on Waikiki (1st March) but it was raining almost the whole day! Joanne and I were so disappointed because we were looking forward to getting a tan. Nonetheless, it was quite fun helping out with the handball booth, and we got our Waikiki shirt! Which was why we joined in the first place. Admittedly, the Waikiki shirt this year was not as nice as last year (which was sponsored by NUM!) but it's still good because I'm lacking of school shirts anyway. Collecting as many as I can because they're nice to wear at home and to Thomson Plaza. Haha. :D

Two Saturdays ago was the SMUX Interteam BBQ which I was initially a little apprehensive about going because I didn't know many people there. However, my worries were all unfounded! Thankfully I met a girl called Weixin from Biking and we totally clicked! And besides, everyone there was super friendly, and I had a whole lot of fun.

Weixin and I

Hanging out at Island Creamery before heading to Chong's house.

Remember I said Kenneth's house was big? Well, Chong's house is HUGEEEEEE! Like, seriously. It's divided into two wings, and we were only allowed into the guest wing. There was KTV Lounge, two pianos, a pool table, a swimming pool, BBQ pit, sauna, and I think there's some gaming area upstairs though I didn't take a look. Totally like a resort right? And remember, that's only one wing of the house.

Well that's all for now. Gotta get back to catching up on my Biz Law reading. Till next time!

2008-02-29T15:02:00.000+08:00

Ctrl+Z.

It's painful to admit, but my intuition is usually right.

So what am I hoping for? To erase the events from my blog is to erase them from my life?

I wish I could just stop making things complicated for myself.

She's so beautiful.

2008-02-15T16:35:00.000+08:00

Okay after all the nostalgic posts, it's time for a happy one!

This is what I did on the third day of CNY:

Went to Marie's house where her mom cooked a delicious feast for us! I love the curry her mom cooked! Tastes exactly like the one my primary school used to sell.

In primary school, whenever I wanted to save money,

I would buy a curry potato to eat for recess. Cheap but nice! 40 cents only!

I was so thrifty then la. Haha.

Marie's room is so pretty! Hot pink and bright orange walls. We played Uno Stacko and Blackjack there. (I won $6!)

Headed down to Terence's house, and we drove to Lin Xin's house from there where we stayed for the night. Played Blackjack again with these people and I lost alot of money! About $15. Moral of the story: Gambling doesn't pay!

Then Linxin's maid brought out the ice-cream. (She has like 4 tubs at home?!) And of course, I attacked Paddle Pop! My favourite (: I didn't know it came in a tub-form. Now I know... Cold Storage sells it. Muahaha.

BEFORE

AFTER!

It's saying "Eatttttt meeeeee..."

I felt very guilty for finishing half the tub.

After countless Wii and mahjong games, we felt we needed an activity that was not mentally nor physically draining (Wii is damn tiring). Soooooo...

Ta-dah! Err it's the World Trade Center, built out of mahjong tiles in memory of it. There's a huge plane on the left of it, and the White House is at the bottom right. And Huixin went to build a totally random Leaning Tower of Pisa, which is not even leaning -.-

Our masterpiece!

2008-02-15T15:21:00.000+08:00

I want to skate tomorrow but I think the skaters will be tending the skating booth so I can't. Then there's the gala dinner at night. I've been waiting so badly for the next skating session to come so I can master the Rocket, Axis and Crazy. Oh well. Next week then.

Time to get down to biz law.

Everything he says still applies to me now. Except now I know better.

It's damn loser of me to even be typing the above stupid two sentences. Argh. Stop it stop it.

2008-02-14T11:11:00.000+08:00

Sudden urges dominate your attention today and won't let up. You're used to small-scale obsessions, so this should not be too difficult to control, but you will need to break away resolutely.

Should I be the one who lets up instead?

2008-02-08T13:45:00.000+08:00

There are so many firsts this year! This year was the first year my mom went with us to visit my grandma(dad's side) since she got married! Because they never got along well so my mom refrained from doing so. Till now. I was pleasantly surprised and puzzled when she told my dad to wait for her to change just as about we were about to leave the house. Could tell she was quite worried on the way there but everything turned out fine. I'm so happy that they're finally on talking terms! Like this unspoken wall which I've always wondered about since young finally dissolved today. And I'm glad that there's such a thing as CNY which allows me to visit all my relatives once every year even though there may be awkward moments sometimes. Because if it weren't for this occasion, I bet I would never see them at all. I don't talk to them much but it feels nice to just see that they're all doing fine.

2008-02-06T18:20:00.000+08:00

To grasp.

Reunion dinner wasn't so bad. I guess I'm getting so used to the awkwardness that it doesn't feel awkward anymore. Anyway, this was the first year in about eight years that I didn't spend the afternoon of new year's eve with friends. Instead I was with my sister. It's not a good nor bad thing, just that I kinda miss it, seeing all those students crowding town enthusiastically, treasuring their precious holiday. Plus I wonder what this says about the shifting of my priorities and relationships, whether I want it to change or not. Of course the reason why I'm not spending today with friends may also be because now that I've only twelve hours of lessons a week, I can afford to go out with friends anytime I want, unlike in the past, where free days were far and few.

It's so annoying how I keep referring to the past (yeah I know) but I can't help it seeing how much things are changing around me.

I was telling Chi-hao the other day that there is a difference between university and JC/secondary school friends. Friends you make in university, they only know the good side of you, having known you just for a short period of time. Naturally, they may at times seem more fun to hang out with because first, there's no emotional baggage, second, you wouldn't be as bored with them because you just met them and there's the novelty factor, and thirdly, you share a common circle of uni friends who are as fun as them because of the above reasons. Whereas for JC or secondary school friends, you've spent years with them, grew up with them, changed with them, been through gruelling times together, quarrelled and made up again - there's a special connection which has been forged, whether you're bored with them or not(which happens quite often in my case, but nonetheless I still really truly appreciate them!). So anyway, I was telling him, sometimes I felt it would be better if I didn't come to the same uni as Amanda and Dorene. Because I feel like they're not my JC friends anymore, they're becoming more and more like my uni friends. I feel more comfortable now with Huifen and Marie and all the other girls whom I don't meet as often. Recently I've been feeling a distance with Amanda and Dorene that's hard to explain. I've felt it at Bondue Bash and I've felt it again yesterday when I was dining with them at Bistro Delifrance.

Okay so it was kinda weird to invite Jonathan along for our girl-talk sessions but it's a long story and I couldn't possibly say "no". But Dorene and Amanda were all fine with it and so we headed down to have our lunch. It was a total disaster! I thought they would engage him in our conversations since we all knew each other but nooooo, they started gossipping and the worst part was that they explicitly told him that he couldn't be let in on our secrets and started speaking in codes in front of him. For the entire three hours we were there! Okay this might sound like I'm bitching about them but that's really not my intention! I just feel so so so bad. Argh. Yeah, and besides feeling bad on behalf of him, I was not very comfortable with all that gossipping myself. Maybe because I didn't know the relevant parties personally, but to devour each and every piece of infomation with such eagerness for three whole hours?! Someone tell me - was I ever like that? Maybe I'm getting old and losing interest in such things, but yeah, mild casual gossip is fine but to indulge so much time in intensive gossipping is totally meaningless to me now. Sometimes I feel I don't know who my friends are anymore, but I would try, really, even if it is to gain an interest in what I detest, even if I have to assume another personality to accomodate them, just to keep them by my side. I just wish things could be like before.

See. There I go again comparing to the past.

2008-01-30T10:43:00.000+08:00

Email.

Subject: Read this if you're fed up with the administration... and even if you're not

Hi everyone...

I'm writing to you about an issue that, originated with Stageit, but fundamentally concerns all of us at SMU.

Please take the time to read this, and pass it on to all your friends.

It's time for the SMU community to remember the promises that were made to us when we joined this relatively new and unestablished school, and ask if these promises have been reneged upon.

As you may have seen from Arts Fest posters around school, Stageit was supposed to be a part of Arts Fest. We were originally scheduled for 3 shows over 2 nights.

Less than a week before our scheduled show dates, the administrative staff previewed our play, and "suggested" to us that we could use an extra night of rehearsals... (This extra night was to be created, by cancelling our first two shows in favour of a night of rehearsals)
They had what they felt were valid reasons, and I had what I felt were valid reasons for the show to continue as scheduled. However, when I told them of my decision for the show to proceed as scheduled, I was informed that this "suggestion" was in fact a mandate.

School administration had pulled the plug on our opening night. 2 out of 3 shows.

The ensuing cross-exchange was long and bloody... but the administrators had several interesting points to make...

(Details which I'm leaving out)

... This goes so much deeper than one club and one show....
Administrators who ride roughshod over student opinion, and place "face-value" above material issues,
these things strike right at the heart of what SMU was built upon, an enterprising spirit, passion, belief in a cause...

As far as I know, SMU students don't take kindly to threats...

Stageit's show will go on.
Tuesday night will NOT be a rehearsal... it will instead be a private preview.
A private preview that I am opening up to all of you......

If you, like me.... came to this school because of the touted "difference".....
if you came believing that you would be in an environment that challenged you to fight for what you believe in....
if you came knowing that you couldn't necessarily count on prestige and school ranking, but damn it all you came anyway.......
And if you came, you saw, and you were disappointed....

Then please, come for our preview. Our cast needs and audience, but the administration has refused to publicize. Everyone deserves a chance to perform for people who will watch, and enjoy and NOT judge.

And when the day comes that people won't step forward to perform for fear of judgement, or refuse to compete in sports for fear of losing, or refuse to speak up for a cause for fear of reprisal....

Then we'll see the day that we have no artistes, no sports-people, no activists, no student leaders.... And no soul.

Thank you for making this journey with me.
I hope to see you at our preview.

Venue: SMU Arts and Cultural Centre
Date: 29th Jan
Time: 1900H and 2100H

Love,
Tabbi

Everyone says that SMU is gradually losing its uniqueness because it's just becoming another school where grades are ranked our top priority, and all those advertisements about "being different" - they're just a front, a marketing campaign. I used to think that too, but having been in here for a few months, I have noticed traits which are especially strong in students here. Competitiveness. Competition feeds on each other, and inside the glass walls of our city campus it's even stronger. It's present in everyone, rushing for their classes, laptops in arms, purpose in minds. Passion. Strong desires to do our best, to excel in our respective sports or cultural activities, and even in class, passion to voice our views, passion even to challenge the profs. When the workload gets too tough, when the competition makes life too lonely, it's people like these who dare to fight who remind me why I'm here. I totally admire them and hope that it will somehow rub onto me someday. I must admit, life here can seem pretty pretentious sometimes. I was at the Patron's Day party yesterday, and the dancefloor was packed. And it was just an empty space in school! Can you imagine? There were people drunk and high everywhere, so happy, stumbling around, holding on to each other. At that point of time, I was just feeling amused that this scene could actually occur in school on a normal school day. But then again, I shouldn't be surprised. Like the rest of the people here, they were just trying to fulfill their desire to live their lives as intensely as they could, working hard and playing harder.

2008-01-27T02:47:00.000+08:00

I'm aching all over! Friday was a jam-packed day. After my BGS meeting and class, I went to watch the concert put up by Indancity, the modern dance group in my school. They were not bad, I especially liked the one about the two sisters. The rest of the dances, I felt, were too commercial, too pretty, for the underlying mood for the dance to really show through.

Salsa is so cool I'm devastated that the Intermediate classes are all filled up. Only have myself to blame for being so indecisive and last-minute. :(

After the concert I went to do some rock-climbing! Fun, fun, fun. But my shoulder blades and arms are aching so bad now. Hope I'm getting muscles haha. At night I went for urban-blading which was totally adrenaline-rushing and blood-pumping especially for me because it was such a challenging route and I fell down twice. HARD. The first time was just outside school where the slope was. I didn't know that the slope diverted into a gentler slope and the rest was just an edge. And so, smartass me chose to innocently follow Jonathan and Xuanyi, the pro-skaters who were going to do a jump off the edge. I honestly didn't know it was the edge there and so when I saw the almost 1m-high drop, I was like oh shit. Seriously. There was no more time to U-turn so I just closed my eyes, hoped for the best and jumped. Needless to say what happened next.

The second time was after we had eaten at Glutton's Bay and I was going down the slope under the bridge near the Esplanade. At the end of the slope I was trying to jump over the drain. Somehow I didn't make it, and fell with such an impact that I rolled a few times before I stopped. Now my back is bruised! But at least I didn't fall in the drain. Phew. Damn exciting right. Ahaha. I'm quite relieved I'm still alive considering the number of times I couldn't stop in time and just zoomed out across the road. Luckily there were no cars at that time. Well once a taxi honked at me but that's it. In short, we bladed from school to Esplanade to Chinatown to Tanjong Pagar to Raffles Place back to school. And I survived!

By the way, pictures from Bondue Bash:

I've like no time to study! Got dance later until 4pm, then Avnish's party, and tomorrow I'm volunteering at One Life. Argh. Someone help me with my time management.

2008-01-13T06:21:00.000+08:00

The great NYRs.

My New Year resolutions! I know it's a little late but I spent a long time thinking about what my priorities and new goals will be this year! So here they are:

1) Be happy, here and now.
2) Make new friendships, maintain existing ones, and find back lost ones.
3) Talk to my family more often.
4) Get my license before I go to Florida (:
5) Complete all my 80 hours of CIP.

And the unofficial resolutions:

6) Continue to balance school and play well. Which is not a resolution because it is a must!
7) Hmm maybe go back to church? Which has been my new year resolution for so many years that I don't put it down anymore because I never get around to doing so anyway. Maybe this year.

How do you measure if you have fulfilled intangible resolution like my first three? You can't. People only write down intangible resolutions because whether you've fulfilled it or not is subjective, and thus it cuts you more slack. So if you really want to fulfill your resolutions, make them tangible. For example, for 3), I should write something along the lines of "Talk to my family for at least two hours per week". Something measurable. However, if you're like the commitment-phobic person I am, then you, like me, will choose to leave it the way it is. My resolutions are there for me to try to fulfill, and not to fulfill. So what's the point for people like us to make new year resolutions anyway? I guess we want to know what we should be doing, but don't want to face the disappointment for failing to do so. Because with an intangible resolution, you can never fail, but your success can never be determined either.

I can't wait to major in psychology next year.

2008-01-10T07:42:00.000+08:00

My January is gonna be so incredibly busy. This week is considered to be free yet I already have to deal with so many things, the sponsors, the One Life Experience, skating activities and whatever others I have. I have to make sure I have my phone with me all the time cos I'll never know when the companies will call. It's kinda exciting I guess, the way challenges are.

I think I've mentioned this quite a few times but I seriously have to learn how to appreciate the present. I think it's a psychological condition everyone has, but mine is just slightly worse. I'm always looking back to the past, always comparing, always dissatisfied with what's happening currently even though I know that in the future I will be looking back at the times now and miss it.

I guess no matter how bad things get, familiarity makes it at least comfortable in some way. Like how some kidnap victims actually grow to like their kidnappers after a prolonged period of time. That's not to say my past classes were bad. Though I did complain about them a fair bit in the past, they were actually quite enjoyable, which is why I miss my friends like crazy now.

Besides, the past is always better. If there's a room in my mind to store all my memories, I'm sure that it's lit with rose-coloured lights, because my impression of everything in the past is better than it really was. And I know it. That's weird huh. Like I know my impression is wrong, the past wasn't that great, but I still don't change it. A small example: the other time I went to Waraku Pasta with Huifen, I tried this dish "Pasta with Squid and Plum Paste" (I wanted to try something unique). It was way too sour and quite impossible to finish but a few hours after I was done with the meal, my impression of it was that it was a good dish afterall. And if I'm not careful, I might eat it again next time. Yet, another part of me knows that it's not, and I cannot eat it next time. Okay I sound schizo.

I'm stopping here because I don't think I would like to see where this discussion leads to.

2008-01-03T10:27:00.000+08:00

First day of 2008: fireworks, stayed over at fen's, frisbee, badminton and table-tennis with marie, shuwen, fen and her brothers.

Second day of 2008: dentist, sponsorship duties, John Grisham.

Third day of 2008: first driving lesson.

Yup, so much for the plans of entering the new year with a blast, partying on the beaches of Siloso. Ended up with a rather mundane start to the year, which I don't mind actually, since I don't see the point of celebrating the beginning of a new year. Okay, maybe I do, but I don't feel it. It just reminds me that there is now another year to reminiscise about.

I had a thousand thoughts running through my head while I was sitting on the dentist's chair but I can't remember any now.

I wonder if dentists ever wish that they could remove our tongues temporarily because I think they are such a hindrance when they(the dentists) are working.

I don't want to grow older!

2007-12-30T12:55:00.000+08:00

It's better loving someone from afar, knowing that your love will never be requited, than loving someone who may love you back, and then realising you never really loved that person at all.

2007-12-27T15:01:00.000+08:00

Hahs. Decided to get a new blogskin and a tagboard which is kind of redundant because as far as I know, only three people know the existence of my blog. Two I gave the url personally to, and Sarah found her way here by herself, I have no idea how.

I get distracted so easily. Was about to go watch my show but ended up refurbishing my blog instead. Shall delay no longer - on to Gossip Girl!

xoxo ;)

2007-12-27T14:39:00.000+08:00

Christmas, much awaited, has come and gone.

The day itself isn't such a big deal, but rather it's the days preluding it and the festive atmosphere that thrills me.

Nonetheless, I appreciate the peaceful three days I spent together with my family, and also having lots of "alone-time", which I haven't had since I returned to Singapore. Despite being incredibly bored and having a painful toothache, I kinda enjoyed it. It's rejuvenating in a way.

Prior to that, Christmas parties!

This was the Smux party at Leonard's house, where we played mahjong and Wii throughout the night.

Diana says she's still in the midst of organising our LTB Christmas Party, though it's already after Christmas, and thus, I don't think it will materialise.

As for our Slumber Party, it was fun. Though it would have been better if everyone got more drunk. I guess it's only the SMU people who have a habit of throwing caution to the winds and totally letting our hair down when it comes to drinks. The rest were abit, er, conservative in their consumption. Photos for that will have to come another day because I'm still waiting for Marie to send them over.

I'm going back to Gossip Girl now. It's good.

2007-12-17T16:23:00.000+08:00

I guess it's just not my story this time round.

2007-12-03T03:21:00.000+08:00

It all started with a dream.

You know, I've always felt that I live half of my life in dreams? It's not so different from the real-life actually, because not only are my dreams the continuation of the night before's, but also, I can remember them vividly and reflect on them in my real-life. It's much more interesting because you never know where they take you - I once studied in a seaside school with aquamarine windows and spiral staircases for five nights straight - but in that sense, it can be scary too, especially if some of your dreams actually do come true, and lead your real-life into arrays. Or sometimes, it might just be self-fulfilling prophecies.

So it started with a dream, and now that it has ended and I'll probably never see him again, it shall continue with them. Why am I suddenly blogging this today? Because I had another dream last night where I was scouring shops with him for a vintage teapot, and while doing so, chatted with him about many things in life. And I woke up understanding more. What he said may just be what my subconsciousness thinks he feels, since dreams are made by my own mind afterall, but in the very least this dream helped to push my subconsciousness thoughts to the surface. I guess they are helping me now to make up for how they damned me in the past. They got so real till I lost line between reality and dreams - the two sides just merged as I saw familiar images happening in real life. The deva-ju.

But who's to say what's real and what's not? The differentiating line is thin, judging from how one can affect another so eaily. Besides, looking at a bigger picture, there are too many dimensions and possibilities for us to even tell. A classmate of mine blogged about this last year, which made me feel better in a way, knowing that I was not the only one bothered by this. The possibility of other dimensions used to upset me greatly as a child, lying on my bed, trying to fall asleep. I used to imagine that there was a giant, and we were only fragments of his imagination or dream, we only believed we were real. When he woke up, we would be gone, except we wouldn't know it. And when he slept, we would continue living. In fact as I grew older I realise that it could be true in some ways. Aren't we humans all fragment of God's creation and imagination?

After I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven, its idea of death grew on me. What if our whole life was a dream and we would only start living after we die ie. woke up? Hmm I don't know why I keep linking it to religion but it's true in the sense that if Heaven exists, our whole life of say, a hundred years, would truly only be a dream and memory, compared to the eternity you would spend in paradise. Or would you say paradise is the dream?

On a more immediate level, what's real-life and what's dream-life? How do you know the life you are living in full consciousness is real? How can you be sure? How do you prove it?

2007-12-02T17:26:00.000+08:00

Exams are over! Although FA was better than I expected, I couldn't finish the paper and other people thought it was easy. That means I'm still screwed, by virtue of the bellcurve. Oh well, I can worry about that later.

It's been ages since I hung out with Huifen and Manda. Went to watch 30 Days of Night, then headed to Holland V's Essential Brew. It's a really great place to chill, with comfy cushions and yummy-licious desserts. OMG I JUST HAD DEVA-JU. Anyway, photos.

This is called Rainbow Psychedelic. It's actually cheesecake in 5 different flavours (Strawberry, Almond, Oreo, Lemon and Green Tea) served in shot-glasses! Pretty (:

I'm going to Bangkok the day after tomorrow. I haven't packed, haven't changed currency, haven't planned the itinery, I'm afraid we'll get lost, I'm afraid Peter can't get his visa done. It's all so exciting and scary at the same time. Yep, even though I've gone overseas with friends before, it's usually at least with the school. This time we're really alone. It's gonna be such an adventure.

2007-11-30T04:59:00.000+08:00

Was studying with Peter and Marcus again yesterday. Super funny - was asking Peter why his electricity bill was so high ($400) when he isn't in his hostel most of the time anyway. (He stays in our library overnight for weeks straight.)

He told us there were cockroaches in his hostel.

We were like, what do cockroaches have to do with your electricity bill?!

Then he told us his roommate believes that the cold keeps cockroaches away, so they turn on the air-con fullblast 24-7 -.-

It would be so much cheaper to invest in a can of Baygon?

And by the way, the aircon thing doesn't work.

I'm a friggin mugger man. Supposed to go to school at 9am to study with my FA group but it's 1pm and I'm still at home. Blogging. And I have dance later. I. need. to. mug.

Ciao.

2007-11-28T15:56:00.000+08:00

Funny.

sea-glass; breathe in for luck says:
haha oiiii
sea-glass; breathe in for luck says:
as if ur chinese is any better la
~=MarcuS=~ Hustle While You Wait~ says:
aiya chinese not impt la, wun ever use it again except when talkin to peter

*Peter is our dear friend from China.

2007-11-18T14:44:00.000+08:00

My journal grades for my Technology and World Change module are decreasing systematically week by week. I got 9.0/10 for my first one, 8.5/10 for my second, 8.0/10 for my third and now, 7.5/10 for my fourth! Just wondering how low it can go, because I submitted eight journals in total. Should I do another one? Because my prof picks the best eight grades out of nine. Argh. It sucks that we have to care about every teeny-weeny five percent because it will contribute to our GPA. I miss JC where it's only the final exam that counts, till then you can just slack your way through.

And I regret not speaking up enough in class. Should be more aggresive next term. You know, normally people raise their hands in order to gain permission to speak? In my Comms class, there are people who just raise their hands and start speaking, regardless of whether they're interrupting the prof or someone else. Disgusting. All that for class participation points. And they don't give others a chance to speak at all! Argh.

Okay I guess it takes no genius to tell I'm getting kinda jittery about my grades now it's coming to the end of the term. Don't think I did very well. Doesn't help that people like Amanda get upset with an A-. I've been consistently getting B's for most of my tests. SIGH. I know it doesn't matter because it'll be the same at the end when you receive your degree but it's just the peer pressure. Everyone in SMU is so bloody competitive. Yeah that's how we're different - all trying to be over-achievers.

I can't wait for exams to be over. I'm dying to go to the beach, seriously. That's all I yearn about these days: sun, sand, sea. I can't wait to go to Bangkok with Diana, Marcus and Peter. I'm even very much looking forward to going to China. Everything else looks exciting when you have exams coming. But I shouldn't be complaining. This is my last chance to pull my grades up! Go go go! -.-

2007-11-02T16:43:00.000+08:00

The natural death.

It's no use holding on to something I know I can't keep anyway. Why does this part always have to come? I don't know why I even try in the first place. I'm always the one, trying and trying, never ever learning. Maybe I'm just too stubborn to, maybe I'm just too stupidly hopeful.

Pandora, oh Pandora.

I hate humans and I hate being one.

:(

2007-10-22T19:07:00.000+08:00

Hello Stranger.

"Hey, have a safe trip."
"I will, thank you."

2007-10-19T08:37:00.000+08:00

Here I am in the school library, with nothing to do and about two hours more to rot before I head to Peninsular Plaza to browse for new skates with the Smux people. Well, technically, I do having a learning journal to submit but I'm feeling too lazy to do it right now. Argh. I'm bored too. Haha kill me.

Recently I've been getting these bouts of what Amanda calls "the Yun Syndrome", because there's no other word to explain it and neither of us have ever met someone who feels these feelings too. Although it's not new to me, it has never affected me as intensely nor frequently as it has been doing the past few days. Everyday, in fact. Sigh. I don't even know how to describe it but it's definitely not imagined, because it's a very consistent feeling. More consistent than happiness, but I can't say the same for sadness, because sadness must be the most consistent feeling ever. Or maybe that would be jealousy. Or anger. Hmm. Anyway, "the Yun Syndrome" is something like a mix between homesickness, and a kind of hollowness. But it definitely can't be homesickness because sometimes I get it when I'm at home. And you can actually feel it physically, like something feels different with your heart, literally tugging at your heartstrings. It's not a nice feeling, because it makes you feel lost, and you really feel as if something's missing in your life, but you don't know what. All I can do is sit and wait for it to pass.

2007-10-15T13:45:00.000+08:00

I'm so tired of him bugging me even though it's long over. It makes me feel as if getting into that relationship was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life. URGH.

I'm kinda nervous about the upcoming weeks. Like I know that it's gonna get real busy from now on but I feel uneasy without at least some sort of to-do list to prepare me for what's coming. I think I have a tendency to get paranoid whenever I start losing control. I just don't want to get swept away when it all comes.

2007-10-12T16:12:00.000+08:00

Zouk, Oct 10.

So much for intending to start a "sleep early, wake up early" habit by the end of term break.