i wish you would say hello first, so i could wish you back two words of good luck.

my heart thumps when i think of your impending competition.
wondering if you will win this time.
thinking, hoping, every single moment.
unwillingly, my mind creeps beyond the forbidden line.

i feel my face betraying too much emotion;
i'm trying hard not to stare.
when i talk to you, i seem nonchalent,
i look away, i'm pretending not to care.

i crumble a little when i see you disheartened,
shoulders slumped, black and blue.
i find my thoughts wandering off and each time,
realise with a jolt that it's always back to you.


prisoner of hope.

what used to lift me up so high is now just a stark reminder of how i'm stuck in my own stupidity.


whatever you want me to be.

a speck of dust on your shoulder. paper for a teardrop. song for a smile.
i don't want to be any more, or any less.


This post is to remind myself.

Because if I don't remind myself, then as time passes, my assurance will just fade, as it did again and again.

This morning, I was at Raffles City MacDonald's having breakfast, just staring out of the window and waiting for Amanda. I was bored but I didn't feel like taking out my books to read yet, so I just stared out of the glass walls, watched a few people walk past, and listening to the radio.

You know, I've always wondered whether the path I've chosen was the path that was meant for me. In the past year, I have always believed fervently so. Because of so many things that happened, little things, little tests and bargains I made with the Big Guy Upstairs... I think we're not really supposed to do that, but I was really unsure if I was going in the right direction. And even though I know He's always listening, being the human me who is still full of uncertainty and doubt, I like to kinda test it sometimes, just to check (I know, I know, not supposed to).

But Thank God He is really always listening. Last year, during my Finance presentation, one of my group members got my name wrong on the presentation slide. And he totally didn't know about anything at all. That was the week pastor preached about signs. And I was so darn happy.

Then another time, I was at karaoke with the skaters. And I made a silent bet that if "Love Me" was the song someone was looking for, then, I was still heading in the right direction. It was. Of course, all these could be coincidences. It really depends what you believe. And this year, my confidence wavered, I was prepared to lose all hope.

And I did, never thinking any more of it.

Until today. I suddenly thought of it again. And somehow, out of nowhere, (really out of nowhere, because I hadn't thought about the issue in a very long time) I made yet another silent bet... that if "You Belong with Me" played on the radio before I left MacDonald's, I would keep holding on. Song after song played by, and Amanda came. I had already forgotten about my wager and was excitedly talking to Amanda when she stopped me in the middle of my sentence and gestured to the radio upwards. I had no idea at all what she was referring to when the familiar tune rang out to me..."You're on the phone, with your girlfriend, she's upset..."

I was stunned beyond words, I just looked at her, mouth agape. I literally couldn't believe my ears! But there it was, playing overhead.

Really. What are the chances. Although now a little bit of doubt is creeping in that it might might all be just a coincidence, I think it is likely that it is a God-incidence instead. And even when I forgot about my wager, He remembers all the minute details in my life. I felt so happy after that. I really hope I don't forget this, and I don't lose my confidence again. True enough, I still don't know what to do. But I think I have a vague picture of what's awaiting me, and I know that God will make all things work out for good to those who love Him in the end.

He is really awesome in this place.

(ps* Amanda got saved today! :D)
(pps* This post is purely my personal reminder. If you disagree, then go away. Haha.)


Okay, while I'm still in a rather emo mood, I shall blog something here in case I forget in the future.

I miss this old friend back in the USA. His name is Justin Young and he's from Memphis. He is really a very very nice guy. I can remember his eyes most - somehow they just strike me as honest eyes, if there's such a thing. He's very understanding and patient, genuinely eager to learn about us and he likes to talk to us about God. I don't know, there's just such a special quality about him - like he's the epitome of goodness without being overbearingly saintly or strange. We saw him get angry once so we know he's not perfect. He invited us to all his outings - church, to hike, to shop, the pool party, to Universal Studios, to the wacky prom. I just regret being so prickly towards him. Because he didn't know that Singapore is very much like America, so when he asks questions like whether we've heard a particular pop song before, I get very defensive and say stuff like "Of course" in a more insulted way than I mean to sound. Yeah. Random memories because I was looking through my old emails and happened to chance upon his email to me.


These few days have just been very dull for me. Because I'm numbing every single feeling (involuntarily), the day just passes by in a monotone. I hate this feeling. I feel empty, and restless. I don't feel very alive.

He was treating me quite coldly the past few days, so much so that I began to think that somehow my secret leaked out and he knew, so he was trying to avoid me. I felt relieved, in a way, and thankful.

But yesterday, he suddenly asked me to watch Harry Potter with him. How could I refuse?

This time round, I didn't feel the euphoria of what I felt the last time. I didn't feel anything, in the daytime. Towards the end of work I began to feel a little bit excited, but that was only because I was going out after work.

Met him at the train station at six. We went to have Thai Express, then walked around abit, then went to play basketball at the arcade. The movie was ten so we had seriously a lot of time to spare. We sat in the theatre half an hour early because we were bored of walking around (Tiong Bahru has really limited shops) and then just talked there.

We were talking about her, as usual. I could tell that he's really crazy over her because he was linking her to almost everything we said. Furthermore, his eyes really lit up whenever we spoke about her. Of course he was mainly the one talking but I was just listening, encouraging him because he felt he had no hope already.

She is one effing lucky girl.

Anyway, I did enjoy myself... but always with a sad feeling nagging within me. It can never be the same again. The very moment I met him at the train station, I was preoccupied with remembering every single detail and second, because this might be the last time. When I was seated next to him in the cinema, I didn't dare to look, just stared straight ahead in my seat while he played on his iPhone. I really treasure these quiet moments which are so hard to get. Of course, as she was on his mind all the time, the sad fact was on my mind all the time too. The truth that will always be there.

Didn't you say you only needed someone who could understand you? So what's the point of telling me that I'm the only one who understands you. Do you think it makes me happy to hear that.


Mom's birthday today.

I totally forgot. Upon coming home, I saw my dad eagerly asking me if I had wrapping paper. I gave it to him, and went to bathe. When I came out, I saw him meticulously wrapping a little box, even making paper ribbons and putting it on top. I asked who the present was for. He told me, for Mommy, I forgot? It was strange that I forgot, even he commented so. Usually I'm the one who remembers all the birthdays in the house, even my maid's birthday, when she was still here. And I'd be the one making sure everyone had a present and every occasion gets celebrated. If not, it would be like any other day, all of us just sitting in front of our own computers, minding our own business.

It's been a long time since I've seen my dad taking the initiative to celebrate my mom's birthday. He purposely sent my mom to Orchard shopping so he could go and get her present, the mp3 she always wanted. Then when I came home, he asked me to accompany him to buy her a cake. And he chose durian cake because durians are her favourite fruit. I was quite touched by his gestures, it's really something special he's doing this year.

But when my mom came back, she was in quite a bad mood. My dad was so eager and happy to get out the cake and light the candles, he really looked like a child wanting to surprise her. But all my mom said was, "You all bought cake? Go eat first la... I don't want any." I was so angry when I heard it... I had to stop myself from crying. I don't know why I felt so hurt hearing that, maybe after seeing all the effort I'd seen my dad put in. I had to stop myself from like, telling her how could she be like that. She said she had a headache, but still. Gosh. I feel so sad for my dad. And... maybe because I feel sad because I forgot Father's Day yesterday too and I'm too shy to even tell him "Happy Belated Father's Day" today. Urgh. I don't know what I'm feeling at all. And I don't know the point of this post. Feels like a primary school kid writing.